Chelsea Handler and vibrators

 It’s been nearly three months now since I did the deed and I have to say my cravings for sex have not abated one bit. I realize, though, how I used sex with men as an escape from the tribulations of life, how it had nothing whatever to do with connecting with another person…it was all about relieving the tension in my head and forgetting about life for a while.

There is a definite release that comes from sexual orgasm and the vibrator does offer some relief as I’ve mentioned before. As Chelsea Handler so eloquently quipped in her memoir of one-night stands, it is much better to direct your anger toward a vibrator than a person. Sometimes when you want to scream, all you really need to do is come and suddenly everything feels better.

I coined the phrase “vibrators don’t have shoulders” meaning there is more to a man than just his penis, although that is the most important part. (I’m still in the early part of my journey so this opinion is subject to change.) There’s the hair to run your hands through and the deep, hypnotic voice that makes you do what he says, and as mentioned the shoulders to hang onto. These are all part of the experience and something a vibrator simply can’t provide. A vibrator is a half-measure, a necessary evil, if you will. I am beginning to form a love/hate relationship with mine, a little annoyed that I need it as I do. I can still get myself off, but the vibrator does the trick much more effectively.

Many of my women friends have urged me to stop torturing myself. What harm can it do to get laid, they ask. My answer is that I’d like to get past the point where sex is merely a physical release. I want to see if sex can one day represent a psychic connection with another person as I’ve heard it can, become “sacred” as one person described it to me. I’d just like to have a relationship with a man based on more than how hot he thinks I am or how many times he can make me come.

Published in: on October 30, 2010 at 4:42 am  Leave a Comment  

Leaving Las Vegas

I travelled to Las Vegas this past weekend and abstained from the two things I normally spend most of my time doing in Sin City: drinking and having sex. I was sharing a room with two friends who don’t drink much and since alcohol makes me horny and often leads to sex, I ended up abstaining from that, too. It was the cleanest, tamest Vegas trip I ever had: surreal, bewildering, and a little liberating.

I noticed a lot of things I had taken for granted before; for instance, men look at you as though they’ve spent the last ten years behind prison walls. Have you never seen a woman before? Every time one of us girls would venture out on our own we’d count how many times we’d been virtually raped by somebody’s eyes. Kinda gross and not flattering AT ALL.

I’m not sure what men hope to achieve by staring at you like that. It’s clear they don’t really want anything because if they did they would actually speak to you. Staring at you intently as you walk by…what does that achieve? Am I really that interesting-looking that I warrant an intense and focussed stare for the full minute I’m approaching and walking past? What does it mean? I am truly baffled by this behaviour on the part of men. I wonder if it’s instinctual or if they believe they are paying you a compliment, or if they think you will throw yourself at them if they just stare long enough. These are the things I didn’t consider when I was busy hooking up in Las Vegas. I do know that a man had to actually speak to me if he wanted to get lucky, though.

Take my last trip to Vegas. Making my way across the floor of one of the big hotels, I was interrupted by a line delivered in a gorgeous Dublin accent. I turned around to find the most delightful-looking Irish boy (think the ruggedness of Colin Farrell blended with the prettiness of Cillian Murphy) who continued to engage me in conversation the second he had my attention. That’s the way it should be done and of course he got lucky that night. The accent didn’t hurt his cause, either.

Las Vegas is soaked in sex. The men have seen so many naked women after a couple of days that I think they lose touch with reality. Possibly, they believe you’ll disrobe if they look at you long enough because they’ve seen so much of that kind of “entertainment” in which women spontaneously take off their clothes and gyrate for no reason at all.

Objectification of women is rampant in Las Vegas and it’s a place that preys on men’s inability to intelligently analyze the way women’s bodies are being used to separate them from their cash. Men’s brains just turn to mush at the sight of naked women. It’s dangerous, though, because the vast majority of men don’t seem capable of separating the entertainment from the reality. Most women don’t enjoy being objects for men’s pleasure and we wish to receive as well as give sexual satisfaction.

So, for this trip anyway, there was nothing for me to leave in Las Vegas. I did take away a healthy pity for men and their powerlessness against their own drives and the way it removes their ability to think or analyze a situation in an intelligent way.

Love Story vs. Thelma and Louise

A lot of women have told me the less you have it the less you want it. So far that hasn’t rung true for me. I am masturbating almost nightly now; sometimes with a vibrator, sometimes without. I will confess, however, that the flashbacks to hot sexual activity are waning…only, I fear, because they are becoming but a dim memory. I think less about the act of sex yet still feel the physical urge. Interesting.

Men are beginning to annoy me, too. I used to enjoy the attention they showered upon me. If I left the house feeling kind of ugly due to PMS or whatever, men were so good at lifting my spirits with their appreciative looks and comments. Now, when a man looks at me or speaks to me I want to kick him in the face! It’s partly frustration I’m sure. Another part is an emerging sense of self that is sick of being objectified. It’s the way my sister described Thelma and Louise when she saw it before me: “Just a story of two women who are sick of men’s shit.”

I have never had a man like me for my inside as much as my outside. The longer I stay away from sex, the more I’d like to know what it feels like to be appreciated for WHO I AM. I realize this is the second time I’ve made that declaration, so already this blog is taking some direction. I believe the purpose of my experiment of sexual abstinence for a year is to understand how it feels to connect with someone on a deeper level than the physical. How utterly shocking that I have never done that, but there you have it.

Queen Latifah’s answer is Just Wright

I just watched a movie with Queen Latifah called Just Wright. She’s the kind of girl guys always want to be friends with and her sister is the kind of beauty that guys want to date. Her sister uses Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now, the Law of Attraction, and vision boards to land herself a succesful NBA player. Within a few weeks they are engaged. When the player suffers a career-threatening injury, however, the sister calls off the engagement by leaving her fiance a note while he’s laid up in bed with a smashed knee.

Queen Latifah just happens to become McKnight’s (love the use of naming) physical therapist and they forge a relationship that eventually turns romantic. They fall in love. So good is her therapy that McKnight is back to game shape before the playoffs and sister comes knocking. He falls for her story about being abandoned by her father and it affecting her ability to commit (plus she looked really hot) and takes her back. As he uncovers her motives, however, he realizes he really loves Queen L and goes to Philadelphia to get her back.

She tells him flat out, “I’m not going to be your Plan B.”

I was shocked! I thought she’d run into his arms and kiss him hard. That’s what I would have done! I have let myself be Plan B, C, or D many times. I didn’t think I was valuable enough to ask for more. I have answered texts from men after midnight. Most of the time these messages have come around last call time. Talk about a last resort. Now that I have been celibate for a couple of months I cringe at the thought that I ever let that happen, that I thought I wasn’t even worth being taken out for dinner or a movie. I told myself it didn’t matter, but of course it did.

I loved the idea of connecting with someone, talking about issues close to our hearts and doing fun things together. The truth is, I felt so uncomfortable around men that it was easier to just sleep with them. You don’t have to talk and risk the possibility that they might not like what you had to say. Sure, there was a sort of adrenaline rush that went with sex and as I mentioned in another entry, my ego loved the attention. It was not a connection though.

I know now that I desire an honest bond with someone that is based on what’s inside rather than the outside. I want to be able to be myself with somebody. I suppose first I have to figure out exactly who that is. I can already tell this year is going to help me alot with that self-discovery.

Pornstars, Vibrators, and a Conscience

 August 1. That’s my dry date. “Dry date” is a term alcoholics use to describe the day they got sober. For me, it is the day I stopped having sex! I only know that because I went back and looked at the text evidence. I texted “that was so much fun last night” to D and that was the last time I did it. D was not my boyfriend or even my lover; he was just a guy I had sex with.

I have had sex with quite a few guys that weren’t my boyfriend or my lover and it’s a pattern I’m looking at changing. It’s not that I want a relationship–I’m enjoying my time alone, working on my career and going out with girlfriends–but I do want a healthier approach to sex. I’d like to foster a connection with a man before going straight to bed. I’d like to know what it’s like to have feelings for someone before you fuck them. And what that feels like. I’ve heard it can be spiritual and I’d like to see.

Avoiding sex with men has had the added benefit of shrinking my ego. I no longer feel the need to attract male attention and I don’t care if I pass up “opportunities to meet men”. It’s liberating to just focus on myself, my life, and my work without worrying about whether I’m going to have my physical needs met. Those physical needs are changing, too. They are still there: my vibrator is being used a couple times a week. However, my outlook on those needs is changing.

I made an attempt at using porn to help me in my quest to relieve my tension with an orgasm. I don’t usually watch porn, preferring to do the deed than watch other people do it. HOWEVER, I was feeling a little desperate the other night, the vibrator wasn’t working its magic as fast as usual so I thought I would move things along with some visual stimulation. Well, after 5 minutes I felt so bad about using other people (the porn stars) to fulfil my own base desires that I was more turned off than ever! I switched off the TV and said sorry to God for treating other people as objects and not respecting their humanity.

I guess it’s fairly encouraging that in spite of being really horny, I still have a conscience and there are certain things that go against my principles. Like using other people’s bodies for your own sick pleasure. Whether it’s a porn star or a man that you don’t care about, it’s not fair to use another human being for selfish reasons. It doesn’t matter if it hurts the man’s feelings or not (it usually doesn’t); debasing another human being is just as demeaning to you as it is to that person.

I am learning by abstaining from sex that I don’t need to grab at things outside of myself to fulfill me, especially someone’s body. I, like every one of us, have all I need inside of me and it is only my ego that would have me believe I need anything else. I have heard that theory many times yet didn’t fully comprehend it until now. I am learning that doing without can be a good thing, and wanting what you already have instead of what you don’t is the key to happiness and abundance.

Published in: on October 5, 2010 at 2:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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To Serve and Protect

The Ugly Truth starring Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl

I heard a relationship expert say that men have a biological instinct to protect women. When you hear about men beating on women they are usually drunk, insane, or in a blind rage (or all three). When men are in their right minds, however, and in touch with their instincts, their biological compulsion is to protect and provide for women.

On my way to traffic court yet again, it occurred to me all the ways I have benefitted from men’s instinct to protect women. I get pulled over all the time by cops and never get penalized to the full extent of the law. The male officer always reduces the charges ridiculously so that I end up with a flimsy fine and an invitation to go to court to fight it (wink, wink) rather than the hefty speeding ticket and demerit points I deserve. Hence, my recurring appearances in traffic court. Without real consequences for my violations, I’m going to keep winding up in court and having my charges withdrawn and getting off scot free and the cycle continues.

I’m not sure what my bad driving record has to do with my year without sex but I feel it is another aspect of my nature I am uncovering as I stay away from men: the way I have taken advantage of their basic instinct to protect me. Whether it is the traffic cop, or my father, or my teachers, men have consistently let me get away with all kinds bad behaviour…if I were a guy, chances are I might be in prison.

A lot of men–we’ll call them bad boys–get an ego rush from getting women to do things for them. They feel like they’ve accomplished something difficult because they can get a woman to do what they want. What they don’t know is that women are by nature giving and nurturing so the easiest thing in the world is to get us to do something for you! Because men are not wired that way, they feel like they’ve accomplished something if they can take advantage of a woman that way.

I realize I have felt the same misplaced victory with men. I got a big ego rush out of knowing if the cop’s a guy I am never going to get the punishment I deserve. I thought it was because I was pretty and charming. Wrong! It’s just that giving me a ticket and demerit points goes against all a man’s instincts to protect me. Just like the guy who thinks he’s getting one over on the girl because she does something for him, I was an idiot to think me not getting tickets had anything to do with anything besides biology.

A man’s instinct is to protect a woman; a woman’s instinct is to give and nurture. These are truly beautiful qualities that would complement each other so nicely if we would stop working so hard to take advantage of one another.

Published in: on October 1, 2010 at 7:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
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