Pornstars, Vibrators, and a Conscience

 August 1. That’s my dry date. “Dry date” is a term alcoholics use to describe the day they got sober. For me, it is the day I stopped having sex! I only know that because I went back and looked at the text evidence. I texted “that was so much fun last night” to D and that was the last time I did it. D was not my boyfriend or even my lover; he was just a guy I had sex with.

I have had sex with quite a few guys that weren’t my boyfriend or my lover and it’s a pattern I’m looking at changing. It’s not that I want a relationship–I’m enjoying my time alone, working on my career and going out with girlfriends–but I do want a healthier approach to sex. I’d like to foster a connection with a man before going straight to bed. I’d like to know what it’s like to have feelings for someone before you fuck them. And what that feels like. I’ve heard it can be spiritual and I’d like to see.

Avoiding sex with men has had the added benefit of shrinking my ego. I no longer feel the need to attract male attention and I don’t care if I pass up “opportunities to meet men”. It’s liberating to just focus on myself, my life, and my work without worrying about whether I’m going to have my physical needs met. Those physical needs are changing, too. They are still there: my vibrator is being used a couple times a week. However, my outlook on those needs is changing.

I made an attempt at using porn to help me in my quest to relieve my tension with an orgasm. I don’t usually watch porn, preferring to do the deed than watch other people do it. HOWEVER, I was feeling a little desperate the other night, the vibrator wasn’t working its magic as fast as usual so I thought I would move things along with some visual stimulation. Well, after 5 minutes I felt so bad about using other people (the porn stars) to fulfil my own base desires that I was more turned off than ever! I switched off the TV and said sorry to God for treating other people as objects and not respecting their humanity.

I guess it’s fairly encouraging that in spite of being really horny, I still have a conscience and there are certain things that go against my principles. Like using other people’s bodies for your own sick pleasure. Whether it’s a porn star or a man that you don’t care about, it’s not fair to use another human being for selfish reasons. It doesn’t matter if it hurts the man’s feelings or not (it usually doesn’t); debasing another human being is just as demeaning to you as it is to that person.

I am learning by abstaining from sex that I don’t need to grab at things outside of myself to fulfill me, especially someone’s body. I, like every one of us, have all I need inside of me and it is only my ego that would have me believe I need anything else. I have heard that theory many times yet didn’t fully comprehend it until now. I am learning that doing without can be a good thing, and wanting what you already have instead of what you don’t is the key to happiness and abundance.

Published in: on October 5, 2010 at 2:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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