Predator

I can’t believe I have the answer to the questions in the last post. Why did I get men into bed as quickly as possible eliminating any chance at a relationship? Because that’s where I got my power. From a very young age (around 15) men began reacting to me in a very sexual way, this includes teachers and bosses sexually harrassing me which can be very scary to a young girl, especially considering I was alone with them at the time.

So I was afraid of men yet I knew I had this sexual power over them that I could use to get the upper hand. Of course, I didn’t do this consciously; but as soon as I got a man in bed, I had all the power and he wasn’t scary anymore. I think I sexualized men a lot because it made them seem less scary to me.

Now that I know this about myself I am able to view men as people and treat them as individuals, not predators or potential bedmates. I’m not scared of them anymore and I feel like the goal of this year-long experiment–a healthy relationship with a man–is possible, if not probable and at least not out of the question.

Published in: on November 28, 2010 at 3:48 am  Leave a Comment  
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Save the best for last

Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. Save the best for last. All words to live by and words I never lived by. I had zero impulse control. If I wanted it I had to have it. I wouldn’t wait for anything. I did not understand why women waited before they had sex. To my mind that was dishonest. If you wanted to have sex with someone you should do it. Making them wait was manipulation, using sex as a tool. Although my mind still goes straight to sex when I see an attractive man, I am beginning to understand why delaying gratification works with sex, too.

Before, when I saw a man I wanted, I would do whatever I had to to get  him–usually stand in front of him and act available–and once I had him get him into bed as soon as possible. Why? When I did that I was eliminating any chance of seeing him again. I was creating a one-night stand situation ensuring that there was no intimacy or exchange of phone numbers or even learning of last names. Why? I’m not there yet; however, I am learning the value of waiting. Sex is what happens after you get to know someone and connect with them on an intimate level. And, yes, after you’ve learned their last name.

I gotta tell you, though, I really miss the feel of a man’s beard on my face when I kiss him. Just sayin.

Published in: on November 13, 2010 at 5:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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Hibernation Habits of Men

I’m glad winter’s here because I heard men hibernate in winter. “Hibernate” being a euphemism for avoiding sex. I must admit to noticing a general randiness among men in summer and a kind of indifference in winter. I’ve decided it’s because of men’s visual nature and when you’re hidden underneath layers of wool, they can’t see what they’re getting so they just lose interest. When the hot weather comes, and the layers come off they go a little nuts. All the ladies know how easy it is to get laid in the summer. You just have to walk into a bar. Yes, that’s pretty much it.

The onset of the cold weather works in my favour because it takes away the part of the equation where the man is trying to get down my pants. If the guys aren’t looking, I’m a little safer in my quest to be good. So, I look forward to a winter of snuggling up in my bed alone and waiting for more nuggets of self-discovery to reveal themselves.

Published in: on November 6, 2010 at 4:37 am  Leave a Comment  

The Bed’s Too Big Without You

The only time I miss men is when I go to bed at night. Especially now that it’s getting colder, wouldn’t it be nice to have a nice warm body to snuggle up against (among other things). Of course, that’s exactly the mentality I’ve been working to get away from: the idea of men’s bodies as something to be used for my pleasure. You see, what I want is a gigolo, someone who’s only there when I go to bed and who’s not there anymore in the morning.

Clearly, I haven’t come all that far in my quest to be relationship-ready. I am nowhere near wanting a relationship; I love being by myself and spending time with friends and doing my work which I love. Sometimes the thought creeps in, “wouldn’t it be nice to have a boyfriend?” Then, I realize the only things I want a boyfriend for–to go for dinner or a movie–I can easily do with a girlfriend, and that’s what I did tonight. So, I realize I still only want a man for sex and I refuse to give in to that desire.

I read a spectacular and profound quote on twitter:

“I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy them.”

That’s exactly what I’m doing through this man fast! By refusing to satisfy my impulses and give in to instant gratification, I am promised greater satisfaction in the long run. This might come in the form of improved self-awareness or it might come by way of an authentic relationship. That relationship may be with God. I can’t predict the outcome of this experiment; all I can do is clear the path and leave it up to God to give me what I need. Thy will, not mine, be done.

I believe the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Right now, I can’t imagine a man worthy of  me giving up my beloved freedom. Maybe, however, there’s a flaw in my thinking if I equate a relationship with the loss of freedom. It’s just that I’ve observed so many who change their behaviour around a partner. They act one way when they’re alone and a different, more guarded, way when they’re with their partner. I’d like to be authentic all the time every minute of the day. Although I still miss sex, the idea of a relationship is still unreal to me and maybe not at all essential to my happiness.

Published in: on November 5, 2010 at 4:01 am  Leave a Comment  
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