The Bed’s Too Big Without You

The only time I miss men is when I go to bed at night. Especially now that it’s getting colder, wouldn’t it be nice to have a nice warm body to snuggle up against (among other things). Of course, that’s exactly the mentality I’ve been working to get away from: the idea of men’s bodies as something to be used for my pleasure. You see, what I want is a gigolo, someone who’s only there when I go to bed and who’s not there anymore in the morning.

Clearly, I haven’t come all that far in my quest to be relationship-ready. I am nowhere near wanting a relationship; I love being by myself and spending time with friends and doing my work which I love. Sometimes the thought creeps in, “wouldn’t it be nice to have a boyfriend?” Then, I realize the only things I want a boyfriend for–to go for dinner or a movie–I can easily do with a girlfriend, and that’s what I did tonight. So, I realize I still only want a man for sex and I refuse to give in to that desire.

I read a spectacular and profound quote on twitter:

“I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy them.”

That’s exactly what I’m doing through this man fast! By refusing to satisfy my impulses and give in to instant gratification, I am promised greater satisfaction in the long run. This might come in the form of improved self-awareness or it might come by way of an authentic relationship. That relationship may be with God. I can’t predict the outcome of this experiment; all I can do is clear the path and leave it up to God to give me what I need. Thy will, not mine, be done.

I believe the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Right now, I can’t imagine a man worthy of  me giving up my beloved freedom. Maybe, however, there’s a flaw in my thinking if I equate a relationship with the loss of freedom. It’s just that I’ve observed so many who change their behaviour around a partner. They act one way when they’re alone and a different, more guarded, way when they’re with their partner. I’d like to be authentic all the time every minute of the day. Although I still miss sex, the idea of a relationship is still unreal to me and maybe not at all essential to my happiness.

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Published in: on November 5, 2010 at 4:01 am  Leave a Comment  
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