Hollywood kisses

Omigod, I watched a Youtube video of Hollywood kisses yesterday. I’m turning into a romantic. Not having sex for a few months has taken my mind out of the gutter and put it somewhere else–in a sweeter place. I am tired of being alone, though. I know I’m not technically alone but I mean alone in the sense of a man touching me. Unless I go for a massage or chiro treatment, no man is touching me. Which is tough.

My friends are still puzzled by my decision to abstain from sex for a year. At first I think they were just waiting for me to cave knowing I’d give in when I got randy enough or a handsome enough man came along. There have been a few handsome men (and I’m definitely randy enough) but I decided I can look at something nice and not have to have it. Kinda like window shopping. I am practising restraint and impulse control and it has been a true character builder.

I am beginning to view men in a new way: as people, imagine that. I no longer judge them according to shagability but just enjoy being around them, talking to them, with no expectation of anything untoward. I am developing my personality in a way that is not designed to attract men. I have changed the way I dress; again, it’s main purpose is no longer to attract men. I dress in clothing that is comfortable as well as flattering and I am gentler with myself in many ways.

I used to feel like I had to look perfect when I left the house…just in case; I got my hair done once a week, waxed everything once a month, wore full make-up every waking minute, and worked my body out to within an inch of its life. Now I feel I don’t have to be so hard on myself and I don’t wish to be obsessed with and defined by my outside. I want to develop my inside and be loved for that, too. Most of all I want to love myself.

Put simply, I am developing a relationship with myself. And it’s complicated.

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Published in: on December 23, 2010 at 10:12 pm  Leave a Comment  
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