Emotional Intelligence

“Choosing a partner out of loneliness is like going to the grocery when you’re hungry: everything appeals but nothing fills.”

That makes a lot of sense to me. It means you have to work on your relationship with yourself before you can attract someone to complement you. If you’re coming from a negative or deficient place like loneliness you can’t expect to attract anything good.

Another reason I’m taking this year off from sex is that I’d like to attract something different than I had before. I tended to attract men who were kind of like my dad: men who were respectable, upstanding, gainfully employed, protective, polite…and completely emotionally detached–both from me and from themselves.

I suffered the frustrating feeling of reaching out for someone who had no desire to be reached, or if he did, his soft side was so deep-seated a therapist of Jungian proportions would be required to reveal anything resembling an authentic emotion.

I am beginning to understand now, by withdrawing from men and relating to myself, that I deserve someone with whom I can share authentic emotional and spiritual experiences. I also know that he has to come “as-is” meaning no fantasies that he will change or come to understand my point of view after he comes to his senses. I am finished with those flights of fancy. As mentioned before, if this man is unavailable I am okay with nurturing those feelings in myself. The most important relationship is between me and myself.

I still have a healthy sex drive, especially around certain times of the month when the mere thought of a penis makes me salivate, but I must do without because I need to understand my pattern of choosing men who withold their affection, and learn to find a new way of relating to men that is mutually respectful and based on our humanity and shared interests rather than sex alone.

I understand that our society is entirely messed up and finding a straight man that cares for an equal and loving relationship with a woman is like finding a needle in a haystack. I have the feeling that once I uncover the real me and understand my motivations better it will be clear whether I want a man at all or maybe just need to find a way to satisfy my sexual urges or ignore them altogether.

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