Crossing the threshold

I can’t believe it, but I’m feeling almost chaste. Literally, I am chaste since I’m abstaining from sex for a year, so I guess the word I’m looking for is modesty. Where in the past I would sleep with someone I met a few hours ago, now I can’t imagine exchanging more than a handshake with any man I’m not deeply involved with. I have crossed a threshold where I now know that I am not having sex with another man unless we are in a relationship. That may sound obvious to most normal women but for me holding out until you were in a relationship seemed completely uptight. After my divorce I just wanted to play the field and experience as many sexy men as I could. I was like a starving man at  a smorgasbord. I had no interest in relationship because the idea of being stuck with one person when there were so many out there to explore sounded like jail to me.

Now I realize how that self-destructive thinking kept me stuck in a place that wasn’t good for me. Refusing to let anyone get close to me kept me emotionally and spiritually stunted. Not that I regret anything I’ve done. Because everything in my past has brought me to where I am today, which is a pretty good place. I feel a lot of pride in myself because I don’t need men’s attention anymore to feel validated. I wear a lot of blazers now when before I used to expose a lot of skin. I don’t bring attention to my body and I don’t over-exercise so it looks “perfect”. I am perfect.

I am even beginning to feel strange about using my vibrator. I used to think it was a necessity, this substitute for sex but I realize now that it’s not. I do have the craving for sex and sometimes it is purely physical, ie., all I want is to be penetrated. But I can feel that and not have to fulfill it. Like the quote I read on Twitter that said:

“I have discovered happiness by limiting my desires rather than attempting to fulfill them.”

I no longer walk around like one big ego that needs feeding all the time. Sure I miss sex, but right now it’s not what I need. Until and unless I meet someone with whom I can imagine falling in love and sharing a true connection, I’m staying celibate. I don’t care how long it takes.


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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. You are so honest. That’s great. I know of women who love sex fests but once in love they disconnect with sex and let emotions rule. They’re also sure to cover up their past ghosts so that they don’t hurt the person they’ve fallen in love with.

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