Lust and fear

It’s been over six months since I had sexual relations (or relations of any kind) with a man. When I first started on this journey of abstinence I thought at the halfway point I’d be relieved and begin counting down till the time I could do the deed again. But it’s not like that. I’m beginning to love myself in a way that has nothing to do with being seen through someone else’s eyes.

I feel a new freedom that comes from not caring anymore what men think or want. I used to dress in a way that I thought would appeal to men. No man in particular, just men in general. Now I dress to please myself and I may have mentioned before that I have become more modest in the way I dress, too. I no longer wish to show off what I’ve got. I no longer wish to dress in a way that stirs lust in men and I no longer wish to feel lust toward men.

I went to a spiritual retreat over the weekend and the woman who organized it said it is easy to confuse panic and lust. Apparently both make your heart race and raise your adrenaline in an eerily similar way. Hearing that represented an a-ha moment for me, explaining why I was often attracted to men who scared me, or I couldn’t tell whether I was frightened or attracted, and why I would sometimes feel revulsion and lust at the same time.

Choosing men who scare me and wanting to be dominated by them is something I need to address. I don’t think it’s normal to want to be submissive to someone unless of course you’re doing some sort of kinky role playing. I often say I need a man I can admire or look up to, but maybe I should be thinking of men as my equals and not putting them on a pedestal they can’t possibly keep from falling off.

Published in: on February 18, 2011 at 3:46 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Isn’t that torturing yourself?

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