Psalm 23

relationship, dating, men, boyfriend, sex, abstinence, GodSerendipity strikes again: this morning my email and facebook were covered in quotes about accepting change in your life and being unafraid to “go though that dark night” to get to the other side. Or maybe I’m just noticing those sentiments more because that’s the place I’m in. Either way, I got lots of validation about embracing a new way of life and letting go of the old. True surrender means trusting God to get you through your trouble and lead you to something better. “If He gets you to it, He’ll get you through it.”

Change is a necessary part of life. Things can’t stay the same nor should we wish them to. Change is how we grow. Notice how the word change is found within the world challenge. Change is facing the challenge to extend ourselves beyond our comfort zone and demand something bigger and better for ourselves. The surrender part is understanding that God knows what you need and it’s always FAR better than anything you could have imagined for yourself.

Last night was a dark night. My loneliness is palpable now and the puppy dog enthusiasm with which I embraced this year-long challenge without men I realize now represented true arrogance. I was so convinced I could get whomever I wanted, that stepping out of the dating pool was a sorry day for all those poor men who would be deprived of the benefit of my company. Wow. Now I understand that I’m not even capable of attracting anything worthwhile because I have been too busy self-protecting and running away from anything resembling an emotion.

A little time alone will get your emotions to the surface real quick and sometimes what they reveal to you about yourself is not so easy to take. I have been emotionally unavailable. I have put up walls around me. I have built a fortress around me, really. An impenetrable fortress made of the toughest brick and secured by a steel fire door. No one was getting in.

More than halfway through my journey, my cocky self-assurance has given way to humility and self-awareness. I believe men only want sex. I believe men are incapable of sharing their emotions. I believe men only enter into relationships because women force them to. Apparently, this is not universally true. What does that say about me? And how do I stop my limiting beliefs about men from becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy in my future relationships?

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