Relationship patterns

honesty, relationship, abstinence, celibacyI’ve been going over my previous relationships; you know, so I spare myself making the same sorry mistakes again. I see a pattern emerging which I used to think was men are all unfeeling bastards, but which has actually been my own dishonesty. I never told any of the men in my life what I wanted or needed in any meaningful way and I never set personal boundaries: if you’ve been reading this blog, you know I’ve only just discovered that boundaries exist at all.

I’ve had sex with men when I didn’t really want to because I thought it was what they expected and I needed their approval; or I’d do it to put him in a good mood so I’d have a happy man to spend time with afterward; or I engaged in sex because my ego liked the feeling of being desired and wanted. I’ve rarely, if ever, had sex based on a mutual connection with another person. It has always been dishonest, manipulative (on my part), seedy, and devoid of love.

I’m getting really honest with my sexual past here because if I’m going to find a new way, I have to admit to myself the dishonesty of my actions. If I had spoken up about what I need, it’s possible I may have received it. Who knows? But I was so frightened of rejection and so convinced that I was unworthy of something that pleased me, that I engaged in sex that chipped away at my self-esteem and made me feel dirty. Rather than honouring me and making me feel connected, sex made me feel used and ashamed. I covered those feelings up with lots of false bravado and loose talk. I wonder how many other women are doing the same thing?

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