A history of illicit sex and poor relationships

sex, relationship, men, abstinence, celibateSince remembering the past is a good way to prevent its repetition (it’s why we wear Poppies on Remembrance Day), I thought it might serve me to take stock of my past sexual relationships to avoid repeating the same pattern in future. I have never had a healthy sexual relationship and I’d like to change that going forward so I hope a look back at where I went wrong might give me some hope of doing things differently when my year of abstinence is through:

My first boyfriend in high school raped me while I was unconscious. Even when sex was consensual between us I never refused him even when I didn’t want sex. It was the beginning of my long history of being unable to set boundaries, both physical and emotional, and of my feeling that I didn’t have the right to ask for what I want or don’t want.

I took the virginity of my second boyfriend. He was a rebound from the first and I was careless with his feelings. I dumped him by ceasing to communicate with him. I never told him we were breaking up and I wasn’t yet over Boyfriend #1.

In university I started seeing a guy who was sexually timid and although he was really sexy he had limited experience in bed. I pressured him to have sex even though he wasn’t ready. He refused me and eventually broke it off–obviously he knew more about boundaries than I did.

Then there was another guy who was beautiful and perfect and showed interest in me and treated me with respect. Of course, I sabotaged that because I thought I didn’t deserve him.

Then there was the one I only went out with because he pursued me. I had no real interest in him and just said yes when he asked me out because he seemed keen. I had no desire or flame for him. I was a passenger in the relationship.

relationship, sex, men, abstinence, celibacy

I meet another guy who only wants sex. I like the fact that he’s tall and handsome so I go along with it for a while. I’m not honest about the fact that I want more and it fizzles out. But the only reason I want more is because he looks great.

I have another short relationship based on sex and again I want more but don’t speak my needs. I protect myself rather than saying what I want.

In an ironic twist, I take up with a guy who does want a relationship but now I don’t (notice a pattern of me wanting what I don’t have?). My friend suggests I cut him loose so he can go find a girlfriend so I do, but he won’t stop contacting me and I like the attention.

Next I have a set-up with a guy I know where he enjoys pleasuring me any time of day or night. I’m not that into him but he’s extremely good in bed and well-endowed so I spend a few nights with him until I start to feel guilty because he used to date a friend of mine.

Next, I have a one-night stand with an incredibly good looking guy (the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen) that I meet at a club.

The next day I have sex with a different guy. It was supposed to be a lunch date.

A few days after that I have sex again with the pleasure-giver. It is at this point that I take a look at my sexual behaviour and realize something has to give. So I decide I’m going to stop having sex for a while–a year to be exact.

What I can deduce from my appalling sexual history:

1. I have been a passenger rather than a driver in my relationships.

2. I haven’t said what I want or need;  nor do I set boundaries, be they physical or emotional.

3. I have used sex to satisfy my ego and to get what I want.

4. I had sex when I didn’t want to because I feared rejection.

5. I encouraged sex from the very beginning because I felt that was all I had to offer, or all they wanted from me.

6. The one beautiful, smart, charming and lovely man whom I let get away never pushed me for sex and always wanted to get to know me better. I think I felt if he knew me he wouldn’t like me.

7. I wanted the quick fix: I didn’t want to take the time to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them. (I may never see them again so I better get what I need now.) Plus it will make him happy which pleases my ego.

relationship, men, abstinence, celibateAction steps:

1. I must set boundaries and be up front about what I want.

2. I must hold off on having sex until I am in a relationship with a man (at least 90 days).

3. I must only have sex because I want to, not to please him or make him happy or to satisfy my ego and feel wanted.

4. I must know that I deserve to be with a handsome, well-adjusted person who wants more from me than just sex and I must be open and honest with him when he shows interest in me.

Anything I’ve missed?


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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. First of all, after only reading a couple of your posts I have to say that I love your blog. Your transparency is moving. That you’re sharing all of this with the world is a tremendous gift that you’re giving very courageously.

    From what I’ve read so far I strongly agree with your position on holding off on sex. It makes me sad to think that so many of us women think that sex is our best card to play. When did we begin to value ourselves so little? I include myself in “we,” by the way.

    Thank you for having the guts to write about this.


    • Thanks so much, Chrissy. I appreciate your kind words and glad you are getting something from it. I thought I couldn’t live without sex…until I did!

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