Modesty and abstinence

sex, abstinence, modesty, celibateToday I was thinking about the road I was going down before I decided to remain celibate for a year. It was a dangerous and dark path involving sex without love or even like, multiple partners (not at the same time, although having two men at once was a strong desire of mine), and an unfortunate incident in which I actually had sex with two different men on the same day. Modesty was a foreign concept to me because I was so detached from my body that I just didn’t respect it or care enough about myself to think it was worth protecting.

About two months into my celibate year, I went to Vegas (I know; it was a work trip) and at the airport when I was going through security, the officer asked me to remove my blazer under which I was wearing only a very skimpy tank top–more like an undershirt. Before, I wouldn’t have thought twice about taking off whatever they asked me to; I just didn’t care who saw my body. After just two months of abstinence, however, I had become reacquainted with my body and something inside me said “no, I’m not exposing myself to these strangers” (especially in such a horny city). So I had to be patted down by a female officer. I apologized and told her I wasn’t trying to be difficult but I just didn’t feel comfortable removing my jacket, and I couldn’t believe it was me speaking the words. She didn’t mind at all and said, “That’s why we always give you the choice”.

I think it was at that moment I decided to adjust my mode of dress to one that did not draw attention to my body. To get away from the tight jeans and short skirts, strapless dresses and revealing ensembles which were designed to attract men. I began wearing long blazers that covered my backside and decided no more strapless or sleeveless anything, no skirts shorter than my knees, no cleavage, and nothing backless. Basically, I was taking back my body and declaring it private rather than public property. It’s taken some getting used to as I used to get a lot of my validation from the way men appraised my physical self, but now I”m happy to say that’s not where I derive my value anymore.

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