Saving Sex for Marriage

Have you ever broken up with someone for bad behaviour and then blamed yourself for the way the person behaved? Did you go over and over in your head what you could have done better to make him behave differently or what you might have done to make him go cold? Did you ever have someone come on strong in the fledgling dating stage only to have him back off as soon as you reciprocated interest? And then did you continuously replay various scenarios in your head, either real or imagined, of how YOU may be at fault for someone else’s bad behaviour?

If I sound like a merry-go-round here it’s because I am contemplating why we never think Geez I’m glad I dodged that bullet. That guy is an emotionally immature tool and he is completely out of touch with his own feelings. That, or he is a cruel bastard who enjoys hurting people. Either way, I am so lucky I escaped that dud.” Well, I venture to guess the reason women (and possibly men; I couldn’t tell you as I’m not a man) tend to blame themselves in these situations is that we are raised to be people pleasers. If someone’s not happy it must be our fault and all we have to do is be perfect to solve the problem. Just take care of everyone else’s needs and everything will be fine.

Men, of course, are the opposite. They are raised to put their own needs first and many studies show that men actually have a biological compulsion to protect themselves above everything else. It is the reason men feel they are signing their own death warrant if they share their feelings with you. Vulnerability is not a man’s strong suit. I believe men’s self-protection and women’s people pleasing make a toxic combination. It is also the reason I am steering toward a very old-fashioned notion of saving sex for marriage. I find it difficult to see any other way to avoid having my self-esteem shredded.

When a woman has sex with a man we become attached to him and he is the only one we want. Women who deny this basic truth are either lying or are too numb from meaningless sexual encounters to recognize the truth. Scientific evidence blames the phenomenon on oxytocin and religion blames it on God who cursed Eve with the desire for a husband. As women, it kills us when the man we’re having sex with treats us like we’re not special, looks at other women, doesn’t call us, etc., etc. We don’t admit it because contemporary society lies to us and says we’re too needy or too square when we feel that way. Truth is, that’s what makes us women.

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