Love Game

It’s been nine months now since I’ve had sex or any kind of contact with a man, and I think I’ve finally turned a corner. Now, I get all angsty and obsessive about things that have nothing to do with men: like my job and my life. I think I may have used men in the past as a distraction so I wouldn’t have to look at my life and really deal with the things going on within it.

Taking a hiatus from men has helped raise my self-esteem to a level where I know I deserve to be happy. I’m not willing to compromise my self-respect or security in exchange for the fleeting attention of a man anymore. I think about the way I used to take whatever attention a man was willing to give me and feel I didn’t have the right to ask for anything more. Truth is, I was too proud to ask for anything more and the idea of making myself vulnerable and showing weakness was horrifying to me. They probably didn’t even know I needed more because I never told them!

I was really good at playing the victim and twisting things around so he always seemed like the bad guy but now that I think about it, maybe “he” had no idea of my wants and needs because I never made them known.

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