A new approach to sex

sex, relationship, celibate, abstinence

I used to think I needed men. Not for an emotional or intellectual connection (I could get that from women) but for sex. I thought if it weren’t for my desire for sex (which I misinterpreted as a need) I would have no use for men at all. When I first embarked upon this journey of living sex-free for one year, I did a lot of tossing and turning and almost daily masturbating just to get through the urges I felt and couldn’t fulfil.

Pretty soon I found out that my issues with men weren’t sexual so much as related to self-esteem. My ego felt a small and short-lived lift when a man paid attention to me and since I was scared of men, getting them into bed was the only way I could feel like I had any power. They were less threatening to me that way.

After a few months of learning how to enjoy my own company and find my validation within rather than from the opposite sex, I began to see that I don’t need sex the way I thought I did, and that I was using it for the wrong reasons. Sex isn’t something you “use” at all; it’s the ultimate connection with the one you love. “The One”, not whoever you picked up at the bar that night.

I’ve decided I won’t be having sex until I’m in a committed and solid relationship and it’s possible I might hold out for marriage. Having sex too soon never did me any good, never helped me get close to anybody, and made me feel cheap and dirty even though I didn’t admit it then. Most of the time I did it because the other person wanted to and I was a people pleaser. I promise you I’ll never do that again. Having sex with someone when you don’t really want to has to be the most soul-destroying thing a woman can do and I’ve done it more than once. Granted, I’ve done it lots of times when I wanted to as well but my reasons were flawed.

Having sex for attention, approval, inflated ego, power, are all the wrong reasons because they have nothing to do with the person you’re with: they are all about you. Sex is something that’s shared between two people. It should be beautiful and sacred and bring you closer together; it should be tender and caring and filled with love. I have no idea what that kind of sex is like. I’m going to have to wait to find out.


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