Running through my mind

sex, celibate, relationship, crush, boyfriend, man, woman, attraction

I’ve mentioned before that there’s someone taking up space in my mind. Rather than resist his residence there, I’m accepting that he often pops into my thoughts and allowing him to sit there and do whatever he does inside my brain. It’s interesting that my journey of celibacy has freed me from needing men: I don’t seek their attention for validation and I don’t lust after them anymore. I’m free in one way but newly imprisoned in another.

I wonder if it is true what my friend said: that a women who is in touch with her true nature only wants one man. Now that I’ve sloughed off all the casual sex and revealed the lie that I need physical contact with men to stay alive, I am becoming more the woman I want to be, closer to who I really am – my true nature.

My interest in this fellow feels different than my previous crushes which would be described more accurately as obsessions. I no longer feel the need to control or manipulate situations to get him to notice me, like me, or pay more attention. It honestly doesn’t matter if he cares about me at all. I’m simply an observer noticing this man pass through my mind and bemused as to why he runs through my head as often as he does. I admire him and enjoy his presence. Whether my feelings are reciprocated is irrelevant. I don’t force these issues anymore because that’s what I used to do and I only got hurt. Now I’ll let the universe decide who will take his place in my heart.

Because I mentioned he’s running around my head a lot but not inside my heart, yet.

Have you ever had a crush?


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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh yes! Several of them. But most of my crushes were like your previous ones. It became obsessions. Very unhealthy and unproductive obsessions. And I would do or say anything just to get their attention, no matter how temporary it was.

    There are two guys who currently occupy my brain. I think one is residing there because I gave my celibacy to him (BIG MISTAKE!)and the other one has been roaming around for 6 years. The thoughts aren’t as rampant as they used to be but he’s still there reading a book in the corner. LOL.

    • I love that analogy “reading a book in the corner.” I can only hope mine gets moved to the corner sooner rather than later as its distracting. And unproductive as you mention.

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