Boy meets girl

sex, abstinence, celibacy, relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend

Since I started this journey of sexual abstinence or celibacy, a lot of things have been coming up for me. Today, I had a flashback to a time when I was about nine years old and all the kids on the street used to play together before our parents called us in for dinner or bedtime. We were a little tribe, about a dozen of us and we would play games of tag or hide-and-seek together as a group.

A new kid moved into the house beside me and he was gorgeous. Jeff was tough but sweet, to quote a song lyric, a hockey player with sandy blond hair (my favourite) and he had eyes for me! I noticed him watching me constantly and he was exactly what I dreamed of, more perfect than any boy I’d ever seen. When our friend introduced him to me, I saw a look of longing in his eye, a definite invitation, so…I turned and walked away.

He ended up “going with” a girl who looked a lot like me and I was so jealous and mad at myself because it was my own fault for not reciprocating his interest. I did the same thing with several boys in my childhood, boys that I was intensely attracted to but didn’t feel I deserved. I would find any excuse not to give myself to them. I was so lucky, too and I didn’t even see it. The boys that everyone wanted wanted me, but I was too afraid to let them see me because I didn’t think I had anything good to offer.

I decided pretty early (and I’m only uncovering this now) that I would be all show and no tell. Since boys were attracted to my looks I would give them that and nothing else. I didn’t really feel I had anything else to give. As I got into high school, that feeling translated into me being very sexual with all my boyfriends and not allowing myself to be vulnerable or share my wants and needs with them. Result: I never got what I wanted or needed and I had a lot of unhealthy sex.

I believe having a critical and controlling mother and an emotionally absent father had something to do with me feeling I wasn’t worthy of happiness or the attention of a good man. As an adult, I can no longer blame my tendency to settle for second best on my parents. Now, it is my job to build up my self-esteem so the next “Jeff” who expresses explicit interest in me receives the same in return and gets all of me, not just the wrapper.

Can you relate to my story?


The URI to TrackBack this entry is:

RSS feed for comments on this post.

4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I think it’s great you’re practicing abstinence. Yes many guys if not all want to have sex very early into a relationship. It’s the guys who stick around when you say no who count.

    • I’m looking forward to saying no. I’ve abstained from any male contact (dating, etc.) so I haven’t had the opportunity yet. I have a friend who waited three years before having sex with her boyfriend and she’s glad she did.

  2. I think a lot of women feel like you do and think the only thing they have to offer is their looks or their body. I’m glad you are learning that you have so much more to offer. Take the time to learn how to appreciate yourself and then it will be easier to find guys who will do the same. Good luck!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: