In preparation for the relationship that may be in my future after I complete my year without sex, I’ve been reading a book called Conscious Loving by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks which reveals the secret to a healthy relationship. Are you ready to hear how to have a partnership free from drama and fighting? The key to happy coupledom is to tell the truth about the way you feel. That’s it. Sounds simple but I have to confess I never knew how I felt when I was in relationships because I had never spent enough time on my own to understand my own emotions.
Every time I thought I felt something it was actually about something else, usually an incident that had happened in my past. The current situation would trigger the memory of the thing that happened before and that’s what I’d really be upset about except I didn’t realize it. There’s no way I could tell the truth about the way I felt, either, because that would require being vulnerable and I wasn’t willing to do that. Of course, not allowing myself to be vulnerable was another result of a childhood in which my feelings and desires were discounted in favour of what my emotionally unhealthy parents thought they wanted.
And there’s another reason I’ve never had a healthy relationship according to the book: I blamed my parents for the way I was feeling today. Anytime we take on a victim status, no matter how justified, we disempower ourselves from improving our current relationships. When we absolve ourselves of responsibility we take away any chance to make our circumstances better. It’s imperative that we admit our part in letting this happen in our lives. What did we do to set up such a sick relationship? That goes for abusive situations as well. We have to get honest about our patterns in order to break them.