How To Be Alone

I can definitely sense a shift in my consciousness since I started this journey of sexual abstinence ten (!) months ago. I no longer dress in a way that will attract attention from men or will please the man I happen to be spending time with. I have begun covering up my assets to  avoid being looked at as a sex object, the opposite of what I used to do. I won’t wear anything above the knee unless I’m working out and I no longer wear strapless tops or dresses.

I leave the house without make-up on  regular basis, something I couldn’t do before without feeling inadequate. I felt as though I had to look perfect all the time, primed and ready, and of course eager for that all-important male attention. I felt I might die without attention from men. I had never lived without it, whether I wanted it or not. In kindergarten a boy tapped me on the shoulder from behind and when I turned around he kissed me on the lips. Since then it’s been pretty steady.

I’ve learned how to be alone with myself without feeling lonely. I’ve learned to appreciate my female friends and family members more. I’ve learned to look at men as people rather than potential conquests or “the enemy”. I’ve learned to derive my self-esteem from within rather than seeking validation from external sources (men). I’ve learned that I am interested in helping raise the self-esteem of women and girls through what I’ve learned this year.

I’ve also learned that I’ve developed a bit of a resentment towards men because of their sometimes unwanted attention which manifests itself in various forms of sexual harassment. My job now is to nip that resentment in the bud – because it has nothing to do with men and everything to do with me. So, tomorrow I am going to treat every man I encounter with the ultimate kindness. Wish me luck; I’ll let you know how it goes in tomorrow’s post.

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