Breaking the habit

sex, abstinence, celibacy, boy, girl

I’m struggling with my ego at the moment. I thought that over these last months of celibacy I had recovered my self-esteem and stopped seeking attention from men. But I find myself more concerned about my appearance when the prospect of seeing a certain man presents itself. I’ve expressed my “crush” on this person and my sense that the attraction may be mutual. Regardless, I promised myself that I was no longer indulging in lustful thoughts and I wasn’t going to compromise myself for the sake of a man. Rather than wearing what’s comfortable, I find myself dressing up and doing my hair to impress this fellow. Now, I think that’s fine if the man in question is your husband or boyfriend, but this man all but ignores me.

I feel as though I am reverting to old bad habits where men are concerned. Rather than knowing I deserve to be adored and sought after, I’m spending time thinking about someone who has not reached out to me at all. I really want to let this go and accept being on my own, to find fulfillment in that. I want to focus on helping others and being useful rather than obsessing about myself and making myself presentable for a man who doesn’t care about me. I’m enjoying my own company and the company of my girlfriends and family so why do I think I need a boy to focus my attention on? I don’t, but I think I’ve grown so used to it I’m having trouble being any other way.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. Perhaps if I actively stop myself from thinking about or altering myself in any way for this man every day for the next three weeks, I will be free. I hope so.

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