Worth Waiting For

sex, abstinence, celibacy, marriage

I can’t believe I’ve gone from thinking I couldn’t go without sex for a month, to actually going without sex for a year, to being increasingly convinced that I’m going to wait until I’m married to have sex. It’s difficult for me to commit to remaining celibate until I’m married and I realize it’s not so much because of the temptation as that I’m unsure I could ever find a guy who would wait for me.

A running theme in my journey is this whole idea about being “worth waiting for”. Although we can pay lip service to the idea, believing we are worth waiting for is another story. It saddens me to think I might sell myself out, compromise my principles, because I’m afraid I might lose a potential partner. Perhaps it’s another sign I’m not ready for a relationship, that I still don’t trust men and have a low opinion of them and their motives. I can’t imagine finding a man who will want a relationship with me that doesn’t involve sex. I need to keep working on my self-esteem until I believe I’m worth more.

Saving sex

sex, abstinence, celibacy, marriage, dating

In two days it will be a year since I’ve seen a naked man. All of a sudden, my sex drive has ramped up and I’m feeling the same kind of physical desire for sex that I was feeling at the beginning of this journey. I thought the urge for sex had passed and I had become a civilized lady who was ready to forge a non-physical relationship with a man. Turns out I’m still as horny as ever! What is wrong with me? Perhaps it’s psychological: I held onto the idea that my celibacy would last a year and now that the year is up I’m feeling as though I can’t hold out any longer. I’m not sure.

I may need to take more time because I promised myself I wouldn’t get into a relationship unless it was based on something more than physical. The next time I date someone it’s going to be because we connect on a level besides sexual. That doesn’t mean we aren’t attracted to each other, just that sex will be removed from the equation. I really like the idea of waiting till I’m married to have sex again. With the way I feel now, though, I’m not sure if I can possibly hold out that long.

What do you think of waiting?

Knight in shining armor

relationship, boyfriend, sex, celibacy, abstinence

This past year of celibacy (coming to an end this month!) and freedom from dating has brought up a lot of issues and memories concerning my, ahem, choice in men. I keep getting odd flashbacks about things I haven’t thought about in years: incidents left unacknowledged, un-examined and shelved in the recesses of my mind.

I watched the film 13 Going on 30 the other day which stars Jennifer Garner as a pre-teen girl in the late 80s who wishes she were 30 and then sees her dream come true. Being an 80s child myself, the film’s reference to Rick Springfield as the decade’s heartthrob brought back some keen memories for me. Except it was my friend Nancy, not me, who loved Rick Springfield. Rick did nothing for me and it felt as though I were the only girl in the world for whom that were true. Why didn’t I like Rick, I wondered? I checked out his Jessie’s Girl video on Youtube and it occurred to me: he’s too clean cut, too safe, too NICE.

Ever since Grade Two I’ve been drawn to the bad boy. Yes, Grade Two. And to make matters worse, I was a year younger than everyone else in Grade Two because I skipped Grade One. I was six years old and physically attracted to the baddest boy in the class. He was in Grade Three because it was a split class. He was the boy who spoke out, swore at the teacher, got sent to the office on a daily basis and smoked cigarettes behind the school at 8 years of age. I still remember his name: Kris Knight. I was fascinated with this boy and even though I never spoke to him I spent many moments gazing at him with what I realize now was my first taste of lust for someone who would never do anything but harm me. Odds that Kris is in prison serving a life sentence as we speak are even if not good.

The point is, I have been attracted to boys, men, and anything really bad for me since I was six years old. It was the beginning of a lifelong pattern of unhealthy relationships, but I have no regrets. If it weren’t for Kris, I wouldn’t be writing this blog 🙂

Marianne Williamson’s A Return To Love

From Marianne Williamson's A Return To Love

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a low flame for a guy in my circle of friends who is not available. I read a book by Marianne Williamson called A Return To Love and in it she says that when she has feelings for a man that are, ahem, inappropriate, she asks God to take those feelings and use them for His greater purpose. In other words, she doesn’t fight them or resist them as I’ve been doing. As they say, what you resist persists. Not wanting these feelings isn’t making them go away, so they must serve some purpose.

I shared my story with my friend and she said I might end up dating this person in the future, or I have a lesson to learn from the whole experience. She said to keep on working on being the person I want to date. I can do that; keep working on myself. I can’t become any taller…but everything else I seek in an ideal mate I can improve upon in myself.

I’m almost at the end of my one-year journey of celibacy and another attractive man has invited me out (!) I’m mildly interested but I know if I go with him it will only be to get my mind off the other guy and that’s not right. That would be using him and another way I’ve changed over the past year is that I don’t use people and I check my motives constantly. In this case, my motives are less than pure, so I’ve decided not to take the fellow up on his offer. I’m not willing to be careless with someone else’s feelings just to feed my own ego. That’s past behaviour. I’m beyond that now.

God and relationships

sex, abstinence, celibacy, boyfriend, single womanI’m very near the end of my one-year celibate journey and, so far, it’s been a character-building experience. My personality has truly improved which is something I didn’t expect. When I began, my goal was simply to better myself so I could attract a better mate. I never thought about self-improvement for its own sake! The idea of living single for any length of time was unfathomable to me and I figured as soon as my year was up I’d be eager to get into the relationship of my dreams.

One of the ways I’ve changed, is that I’m quite happy on my own. So, in a sense, I do have the relationship of my dreams: with myself! If a man does enter the picture, I know now what my boundaries are (no texting, for instance) and am ready to impose them. I already applied my “no men in my house alone” rule with a male friend who was cool with it and said he respected me for doing it.

Another way I have grown is that I am happy as I am rather than looking to someone else to “fix me” or make me feel better. I realize I’m the only one who can do that, so rather than looking for someone to stroke my ego, I’m becoming the person I used to want to date. All the qualities I “look for” in a man, I’m developing in myself. I guess I’m becoming my own lover just like my friend suggested (as I wrote about in the last post).

I also learned from Neale Donald Walsch that wanting will only get you more of the feeling of wanting and I don’t want that! I have asked God to give me whatever he thinks I need, whether that’s remaining single or having a partner. I trust Him to make the right decision for me and deliver the perfect outcome for the good of all involved.

No more relationship and dating drama

relationship, sex, celibate, abstinence, God, marriage

I saw a friend today who has started dating someone and it reinforced for me why I stopped dating and took a vow of celibacy for a year. She admits to obsessing over this guy and losing sleep over him, waiting for him to call, vacillating between insane desire for him and red hot anger at him for forgetting they had a date (!) She isn’t even sure if he will call her again. This seems a bit outrageous to me.

Ah, but I must remember the behaviour is not far from the way I acted in the past with men I was dating. Oh, the drama! Oh, the way I wanted them to be so much better than they were! Oh, how I wanted them to fill that gaping hole inside me that could only be filled with my own self-love. My other friend told me to begin a love affair with myself (and she wasn’t talking about masturbating!) She said to go buy myself roses, take myself to dinner, go get a massage, and although it sounded kind of trite at first, I have been doing those things and it does make you feel good.

My first friend won’t stop thinking about someone who is likely not thinking much about her at all. She also had sex with him within a short time even though she said she would wait three months. Hearing this made me more adamant that I want to wait till I’m married to have sex again. I’ve gone this long and I’m really in no hurry. Sex has become meaningless to me outside of marriage, even sinful. Why? I think my head is getting clear and I’m getting back to what I was taught as a child. Those values that we forget when the world gets hold of us never really get old.

The Single Woman on Twitter

the single woman, dating, relationshipI’ve discovered this amazing twitter friend called The Single Woman. She tweets inspiring quips and quotations all day long that are especially potent for women on their own but that can lift up anyone and make her feel special. Here are a few choice ones:

If it wasn’t your destination, it was preparation. Be at peace, knowing u are exactly where u are meant to be.

Every curve of your body, every line on your face, every hair on your head – God designed for a purpose.

A mistake is only a waste of time if you refuse to learn something from it. Otherwise it’s progress.

It’s better to be someone who’s single than someone who settled… 

She also has a website. Mandy Hale began writing as The Single Woman after freeing herself from a toxic relationship and looking for a role model to help her navigate her newly single life. After coming up empty, she decided to become her own role model and inspire others in the process and now has over 300,000 followers on Twitter. Check her out whenever you need a dose of inspiration!

Conversations With God Part Deux

I mentioned I’m watching a video series by Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations With God. I had to pay for the privilege but I’m sharing his insights with you for free! The main idea in the second of the seven-part series is that wanting is the most non-beneficial thing you can do to achieve that which you desire. If you put out a feeling of wanting something then that is what you will get back, NOT the thing you want but more of the experiencing of wanting it.

The “universe” (or God as I call it) answers “yes” to every desire you express. So if you say “I want to make more money,” God says “yes” and you will continue to WANT to make more money. If you say you want a beautiful relationship with a lovely man, God will say “yes” and you will keep WANTING a beautiful relationship. How to get around this quandary? Neale suggests saying to yourself and God (however you interpret that) “I know the perfect relationship is coming to me. Thank you, God.” Isn’t that amazing? So much more fun, too, because you feel hopeful and I guess that is the whole idea around manifesting.

I am also studying A Course in Miracles which is a free program of daily lessons that reprograms your mind so you can be happier and more peaceful. So far, I have gleaned from the course that most of my thoughts are attacking, especially against myself, and that I identify with my ego even though that is not me. I discovered from today’s exercise a difficult truth that explains a lot about my past behaviour with men: I don’t believe I will find a man who is willing to wait for me and that is an attack thought against myself.

What do you think of these spiritual ideas?

Single and loving it

sex, celibacy, abstinence, relationship, marriage, GodI can’t believe I am almost at the end of my one-year journey of living sex free. The celibate life has been challenging and has led to more self-awareness than I ever thought possible. Surprisingly, abstinence has also led to the feeling that I’m going to stay away from sex for a while longer…even if I do meet a special someone in the near future. I’m pretty convinced I may even wait for marriage before giving it up, although my sister insists I’ll never be able to hold out.

But she can’t see how much I’ve changed inside. The internal shifts have been monumental. I actually feel completely content being single for the first time in my life. When I started the celibate journey I felt like the goal was to have a healthy relationship at the end of it. Well, guess what? I do have a healthy relationship now…with  myself! Funny how that happened. Rather than being in a state of waiting for someone to come along and “complete me” I am finally free of the feeling that I need a man in my life at all. If God decides that’s what I need, fine; if not, that’s fine, too. And the timing is up to the Big Guy as well. I’ve let go of all control over that side of my life.

I feel free, I really do. I don’t need a man. And I can say that without crossing my fingers behind my back.

Conversations With God Neale Donald Walsch

celibacy, abstinence, sex

Remember Neale Donald Walsch from Conversations With God? I’m watching a new video series of his on spiritual education and he says there are 5 levels of truth telling:

1. Tell the truth to yourself about yourself. Sounds easy but can you really accept and confess all your attributes and weaknesses? It’s called self-awareness and I’m just learning how to embrace it fully on this year’s celibate journey. He says #1 is the most important of the 5 levels of truth-telling. He encourages you to write down 5 things about yourself that you want to acknowledge about yourself to yourself. These can be positive or negative.

2. Tell the truth to yourself about another. He says to write down 5 truths that you need to tell yourself about another (just one person). It could be a spouse or a boss or a friend or a parent or a child. Here he points out that there are no universal or absolute truths. All truths are contextual.

3. Tell the truth about yourself to another. Choose someone you trust utterly, your best friend perhaps, and let them know in advance what you will be doing,

4. Tell your truth about another to that other. Yikes. This one separates the women from the girls. He says to tell five truths to the most important living person in your life.

5. Tell the truth to everyone about everything. I love this! And I love getting permission to do it. I’m so tired of worrying about what people think and editing what I say to try and please them. All truth all the time from now on!