I can’t believe I’ve gone from thinking I couldn’t go without sex for a month, to actually going without sex for a year, to being increasingly convinced that I’m going to wait until I’m married to have sex. It’s difficult for me to commit to remaining celibate until I’m married and I realize it’s not so much because of the temptation as that I’m unsure I could ever find a guy who would wait for me.
A running theme in my journey is this whole idea about being “worth waiting for”. Although we can pay lip service to the idea, believing we are worth waiting for is another story. It saddens me to think I might sell myself out, compromise my principles, because I’m afraid I might lose a potential partner. Perhaps it’s another sign I’m not ready for a relationship, that I still don’t trust men and have a low opinion of them and their motives. I can’t imagine finding a man who will want a relationship with me that doesn’t involve sex. I need to keep working on my self-esteem until I believe I’m worth more.