Guest Post: 6 years celibate and finally happy

abstinence, sex, men, women, relationship, single woman, dating, one night standToday’s post comes courtesy of Madi, a reader who has been celibate for over 5 years now. I can relate to the experience of having casual sex with men and then becoming afraid of them when you stop. I can also relate to feelings of inadequacy and people pleasing. Here is her story:

My celibacy journey started with a break-up six years ago.  Back then, I thought I was in love with the man but now I know I wasn’t. Now, I know something I didn’t:  Love mustn’t hurt. I only loved the fact that he took care of me. I thought he did, but I wasn’t good enough for him to take me out. He destroyed my self-esteem which wasn’t very strong and made me think I was good for nothing except being his sex-toy.

I let him use me as a tool and for almost 5 years of my celibacy journey, I still acted like one: never saying no, always smiling, forgetting what I love, what I don’t.  The worst of it is I wasn’t aware I was erasing myself.
I was with another man that I thought would take care of me, but I didn’t love him: I only held the hope that he could make me happy and love me.
After that I remained alone; in fact, I was lonely because at that time I lost myself. I slept with a friend who only wanted a one-night stand. I was crying but he didn’t notice.  I felt very bad. I don’t like that.

At that time, instead of treasuring myself, I wore a suit of armor.  I built it and polished it:  nobody would find the real me. I was smiling here and there, saying exactly what people wanted to hear. I survived three years like that. Then, I discovered “The Secret” and things slightly changed. It was the year before. I started to go out with friends again but I was still in my “love me” role. And I was thinking the more I go out the more chance I would have to meet my soul mate. So with “The Secret”, I was only imaging the future and still being haunted by my past.

I started salsa. I always wanted to dance but I always needed someone do things with for everything. I wouldn’t do things by myself.  I discovered that I fear men; I didn’t want them to touch me. It’s quite annoying when you are dancing!!
But, God sent me last month all the answers I wanted to destroy this armor. I have freed myself and I can dance now.
These are the rules that I apply:

1.       I must treasure myself and take good care of me.
2.       I must love myself as I’m a part of God.
3.       I must live now and enjoy every moment: appreciate food, books, and flowers; there’s nothing extraordinary but it’s life.
4.       I don’t have to pretend to be perfect
5.       I don’t care if people don’t love me as long as I do.
6.       I don’t need to change
7.       I stop with the “when I‘ll have that, I’ll be happy”
I know I’m not ready to be this someone although I’m nearly 30 and everybody puts pressure on me. But it doesn’t affect me. I’m well with myself. I take my time to appreciate all the things I do in life and I can say: I’m truly happy.
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