Relationship Advice from Pat Allen

Over the past year I’ve done a lot of self-searching, especially with regard to my relationships with men. For me relationship equals drama and pain and I finally began to see that I was the common denominator in each of these awful relationships so maybe it had something to do with me. I’ve embraced a philosophy (based on science, by the way) that runs counter to modern culture’s prevailing belief system. I believe women and men are different.

Pat Allen is a researcher and therapist who says there are too many women running around with penises and men with vaginas. She says the women’s rights movement did a great job of getting us equal pay and respect but forgot to tell us that when the work day is over we don’t care about respect–we want to be cherished. Men want respect and in return for being cherished, we give it to them.

I can attest personally to the truth of this theory. I don’t care if a man respects me but I want him to cherish my feelings. I do need a man I can respect and if I don’t respect him that is a gigantic turn-off. Pat Allen also says that men desire women who are happy and that happy women are happy on their own. They don’t need men and that’s the whole point. It’s a great irony but also a fantastic truth that you will not attract the right man until you truly do not need him.

I’m happy that I can finally embrace the truth about my womanhood in spite of all the false messages about “equality” in our society. I’m so glad I can be soft and feminine and not feel as though it’s a weakness or even a crime.

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi!

    Thank you so much for your blog! I have made recently made the same choice to live the next year celibate and it was so great to find your blog. I read it in it’s entirety in 2 days!! The transformation you’ve made toward embracing your feminine, submissive self (as God designed you) is so refreshing. I’ve thought that for awhile, but my way of going about finding the right relationship was backwards at best and harmful to my soul. I have so much work to do on myself …. wish me luck. Keep writing. You’re an inspiration.

    Best,

    Lisa

    • Oh wow, I am so pleased that you enjoyed the blog so much that you read it in 2 days. That brings me great joy and I hope we can support one another along this journey. I’m thinking I may go another year 🙂 or at least six months. For me, the self awareness has been key. Unpacking my baggage, so to speak, so I can go into the next relationship baggage-free.

  2. Wow…I can also attest to differences in what men and women seek. But I have to be honest: one of the struggles I find in the dating world is that women have been hardened towards being cherished. It’s difficult, because the best way I know to love a woman is to make her feel uniquely appreciated, and most women are not comfortable being the sincere recipient of a man’s affections. Being cherished places women in an incredibly vulnerable place because their love and respect become a response to what they hope are authentic words, which gives up an element of leadership and control — all the reason for women to save themselves for a man truly worth respecting. As you noted, respect (and I would add expressions of love) should only be given in return for a man’s willingness to cherish, rather than granted first with the hope that he will. A man should never have to demand respect if he is truly worth respecting.

    Another pressure that I’ve felt as a man is to make women happy, and while I’m able to fake it for a while, this has always been doomed to fail. It seemed like when I was having a bad day (which is inevitable with every human, respectable ones included), I was made to feel that I was letting my ex-girlfriends down. Unhappy women are more concerned with finding a guy that can entertain and thrill them, regardless of how demeaning he may be to the heart that they are offering — hence the “bad boy” complex. A respectable man presents himself more soberly than the bad boy, but when a woman can find her sustaining joy in the Lord, his masculine strengths are welcomed rather than resisted.

    I really wish our culture could get past all its relationship fears and dysfunctions, because God intends so many awesome things through our relational and sexual design. But our fears are directly associated with the pain that we’ve experienced. It sounds like you’re just beginning to connect the dots in your own painful past, but you give me encouragement that we can find truth and clarity if we are willing to seek healing.

    • I am so glad you wrote this about how women want a man to entertain them because that’s how I feel about men! I had no idea men suffer from this same problem. I find men always want the happy-go-lucky bubbly girl who smiles and laughs all the time and if you’re more sober and shy you don’t have a chance! I do smile when I’m happy but not all the time. It’s interesting that you noted vulnerability because my friend who just got engaged had so many terrible relationships before. She finally decided she wanted a man she could be vulnerable with (that’s the word she used) and now they are getting married. She had to shift and embrace her feminine side to attract the right man for her.

  3. This video contains a mixture of common sense truth and obfuscating pretty lies.

    Any relationship advice that ignores evolutionary psychology is going to give you a false picture of the opposite sex.

    Not only are men and women different in character and temperament, but their relationship *goals* are fundamentally different in most cases.

    “Men like happy women”?

    Well of course they do!

    Its wearing to be around someone who is constantly miserable. But isn’t that true of both sexes?

    But men will consistently pass over happy women they do not find physically attractive for less happy ones who are physically attractive.

    • Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I think there is a book called “Why Men Love Bitches.” Maybe they overlook it when they find the woman attractive. It would explain why my ex put up with me for so long.


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