Tracy McMillan for Huff Post: Why You’re Not Married

Tracy McMillan wrote Why You’re Not Married

I consider myself a marriage-bound person even though I’m not dating ūüôā I’ve never been a dater and have been in a few very long-term relationship including a decade-long marriage. I’m not afraid of commitment, but what I have come to discover about myself is that I’m afraid of intimacy. I tend to choose men who are emotionally detached (the “man’s man”) and who are incapable of sharing deeply with me. Of course, I’ve been incapable of the same thing but it’s easier to blame it all on them. It also normalizes the situation because people expect¬†men to play their cards close to their chest.

According to John Gray of Mars and Venus fame and many other experts (it’s science, people), our survival as a species has depended upon men’s need to retreat into silence when they have a problem and women’s need to talk, talk, talk about it to lower their stress levels. I’m a quiet girl but I can attest to the fact that my need to TALK about a problem is so strong that I will blow a gasket if I try to keep it to myself. Sometimes it is in the talking that I find the solution OR I simply feel a release of stress even if no solution presents itself. I don’t just feel better after talking it out, I feel as though I have saved my life. Women bond by talking; men bond by doing.

I came across an interesting article by Tracy McMillan for Huffington Post called Why You’re Not Married. Addressed to single women she outlines six reasons why women who want to be married aren’t. It’s brilliant in its simplicity and provides a template to follow if you are interested in attracting a suitable man. My favourite is #3 since I used to use sex to avoid intimacy (ironically enough).

1. You’re a Bitch.

You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

2. You’re Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl.

3. You’re a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of¬†Jersey Shore¬†— but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop.

4. You’re a Liar.

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

5. You’re Selfish.

If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.

Here is what you need to know:¬†You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

What do you think of Tracy McMillan’s six reasons you’re not married?

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I wanted to be remarried by the age of 32 after a very hazardous and lethal marriage, i wanted to try again. I didnt want the failure as a resume entry on my life. I didnt make that goal and am 49 now and just this year i think back and wonder why was marriage such high importance. If i am a bitch or any other of the numbers on the list or not why would marriage be so required to live my life. I am capable of very intimate relationships and i love so hard i get addicted to that person. My first marriage didnt make me happy and im not sure it was either of our faults. There is a time in your life where you wonder where all the time went but i havent gotten there i have just wondered about the meaning of all that i have been through alone. Did any of it matter because I wasnt married? Was there a spiritual force in my life trying to show me another dimension and that there really is nirvana and heaven and a man that makes me so happy and doesnt even have to touch me to do so. I guess the only thing that would still hold me back was to know all the other catwomen out there probably will find him too, especially if i dont want to live without him. Ok insecurity and the big green monster are a problem. I want to lie and say i never get jealous to conceal any emotion but i do more than anyone i have ever met. Maybe that is the deepest root here for me.

    • Very interesting. I’m working on myself while I’m single so I can be happy even if I’m not with a partner. I’m enjoying being single, especially since I never was in the past. I think you can have a full life either way and some people do better single and others are better in a couple. Sometimes I think all I want is a man’s touch but I can’t have one without the other (sex without relationship).

  2. I guess if I had to be put in some category, it’d be #5 but then I took a look again. This only applies to women who want to be married and aren’t. I’m at the stage of my life where I think relationships of any kind are just going to weigh me down and get in the way of fun. But who knows if I ever change my mind …

    • I’ve heard that just when you don’t want a relationship, that’s when it appears! I wonder if it will be like that for you?

  3. I’ve been married for 30 years and have observed the kinds of things you’ve described above more in my daughter’s generation than in mine. I just have never seen anyone gutsy enough to state the obvious. Good for you. If the women get angry it’s because you have hit too close too home.


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