Online dating and The Bible

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It’s funny I wrote a post called “How 5 becomes 1” recently because I think the title has come to fruition already! I’m not sure if I am a particularly good man repellent, or this is a normal weeding out process. It’s also possible 2 men are still standing because one said he is in town next weekend and would like to see me. Maybe he’ll call, who knows? Are my expectations too high? Is it weird of me to think a man will be in touch every couple of days if he is interested? Anyway, one of them is and maybe that’s the way it’s meant to be. Like I’ve been saying… you only need one.

My subscription is expiring on February 2 after 3 months. I decided to let it go due to my abysmal track record with them. But this morning I received a promising match in my email and when I ‘winked’ he replied instantly. He is a passionate man who describes himself as a humanitarian, bold but not arrogant, educated. The only minus so far is that he’s not athletic but, hey, I could probably overlook that if other values line up with mine.

I have to say this match came in immediately after I dedicated an hour to reading the Bible and meditating on what I read. That doesn’t mean this man is a gift from God necessarily, but when I focus on God, good things seem to enter into my life instantly and effortlessly.

My dating life: is God having a laugh?

I am beginning to wonder if the time is still not right for me to be in a relationship. Or maybe God has a few more lessons for me to learn before I get there. I scheduled a second date with the guy I saw last week…I say ‘guy’ because I can’t call him a man – he’s a boy, young and a bit self-involved, but nice enough, so I want to give him three dates before I make any decision about him. He was at a tournament (he’s an athlete playing at the top tier of his game) so we were to go to a movie when he returned. He kept me up to date throughout the day which was thoughtful and they ended up going the whole distance, winning all their games, so I was happy for him.

Sadly, he didn’t make it back as the weather became very bad and they had to stop and stay for the night. He was extremely apologetic and it was out of his control but I just can’t help feeling that my dating life is getting ridiculous, that God is having a good laugh. I refuse to feel sorry for myself, but I am bewildered by my bad luck.

The other fellow I was interested in stopped talking to me because I expressed my need for him to contact me when he said he would. I waited until he had failed three times to fulfill his intention to call at a certain time and I was clear but certainly not mean in my email. I haven’t heard from him since. I suppose this is a weeding out process and as my friend says “This dating game is not for the faint of heart.” I’m developing a thick skin and I’m not sure if I like that.

Practical dating and texting

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The fellow with whom I had my “first” date last Friday definitely liked me because he texted me the next day to say hello. The fact that he won’t use the phone to dial my digits and call is an issue for me but at least I know where I stand with him. The thing I don’t like about text (and the reason I decided not to use it to communicate with men) is that it doesn’t tell you anything and it doesn’t go anywhere except on the occasion when it is misinterpreted as written communication is wont to be.

So the text conversation goes something like this:

Him: How are you doing tonight?

Me: Great thanks just getting home.

Him: What did you get up to?

Me: Spent time with some friends.

Him: What did you do, dinner or something?

Me: Just met up at someone’s place for a chat

Him: Sounds like a fun time


What’s happening here is I’m getting more a feel for this guy and seeing he’s not the leader I need in a relationship. He does not take charge of the conversation and use it to find out more about me or take it in a direction that will help me know more about him. It is useless fluff. I refuse to lead the conversation and so it just fizzles out after going nowhere. The fact that he does not call also tells me something: either he is too lazy or lacks courage, both of which are unappealing.

What I’m learning now is that every experience with a man is an opportunity to find out more about what you want and don’t want, what feels good to you and what doesn’t. It is a journey of self-discovery. I never saw dating that way in the past. I would have been so busy trying to get him to like me that I would never had paid attention to any of these signals or had any idea what I really wanted. The new way is so much better for both of us because nobody is being manipulated or lied to, we are both just trying to get our needs met.

First date success

Last post I talked about two men: one who gave me his phone number rather than asking for mine. I turned around and gave him mine because I don’t phone men first. He texted me rather than calling to arrange a date and then asked me where I’d like to meet. I think that’s already 3 strikes: 1. gave his number rather than asking for mine; 2. texted rather than calling to arrange a first date; and 3. put me in charge of deciding where we go.

Still, I decided to give him another chance and told him I would like him to decide where we go and I will meet him there. He insisted I pick the place and that was when I finally threw in the towel. I texted back and told him we’re probably not a good match, that I really need a man to take charge and I wished him all the best. He took it well and wished me luck in return.

The second guy also texted rather than called and again asked what I’d like to do. But he did pick up the ball when I asked him to and did a little research and found a coffee shop equidistant to both of us. We met on Friday night and that was my first date since I started my celibate journey! I was wondering if it was ever going to happen! He was VERY handsome; much better looking than his photos and he mentioned that not being photogenic is a problem for him 🙂 He is what women like to call a “quality man”: a professional athlete but so humble that I didn’t find out until halfway through the date. I wouldn’t say I was crazy about him but it went well because he texted me after to say he had fun and wish me a safe trip home. I call it a successful first foray into dating land.

How 5 becomes 1

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I mentioned in my last post that 5 men were expressing interest in me, not to brag but to compare the way that feels now as opposed to then. Then it would have been an ego boost; now it represents a weeding out process. Today two have already demonstrated they are probably not the “man” for me. The first one gave me his phone number and told me to call or text him so we can get together. NO! You ask for my number and make the call because you are the man. I gave him my number instead so we’ll see what happens.

The second one just emailed me about a date Friday night and asked “So what do you want to do?” NO! You are the man, you tell me what we are doing and then maybe ask how I feel about that. Again, I threw it back to him. I regret that I did make a small suggestion that it be low key since it is a first date: I needn’t even be doing that if this is truly a weeding out process, but I am beginning to feel sorry for these men….which is definitely not the way to go into a relationship. I want a man I can look up to and respect and who will take the lead. It seems this type of man is incredibly hard to find.

The Single Woman

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“There is truth to the ‘just not that into you’ phenomenon. The more you accept that, the better off you are. Move on. Don’t think of striking out as a failure, or somebody not calling you as a failure…it’s just another step in finding somebody. Don’t fear rejection. Don’t put so much emphasis on it. It just may not be the right time or the right person. So what?” ~Jordan Knight via The Single Woman

I used to fear rejection so much that I’d do anything to avoid it, including having sex with someone I barely knew. Consciously, I didn’t realize I was seeking approval but in hindsight and after much self-improvement work, and nearly a year and a half of celibacy, I can see my motives clearly. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted because I was so busy trying to figure out what other people wanted, and altering myself to please them. It was truly soul-sucking and it wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to discover what made me tick – in other words what motivated me to do the things I did – that I could begin to change.

I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to realize I don’t want somebody who treats me poorly; I just wanted him to want me and it had very little to do with him as a person. He was more like a mirror to me of myself. If he rejected me, then I must not be lovable or acceptable. I had no inner core of wisdom to tell me I was fine on my own. For the past year and a half I have been on a mission to find self-love and I can honestly say I am finally there. Random thoughts run through my mind that say “You’re a lovely person” (and I am!) rather than “Loser!” or “You’re so stupid,” which is what my self-talk used to sound like.

If a man stops contacting me I don’t obsess on it or, heaven forbid, call him again. I know enough now to know that if a man wants to get in touch with you he will, even if it requires him to hire a private investigator – no lost phone number is going to stop him. Rather than fuming over a lack of attention, I acknowledge my need for a certain level of attention and if he can’t give it, he’s not the right one for me. Right now I have about 5 men interested in me. That would have been a big ego trip for me before, but now it is simply a weeding out process. 5 could easily and quickly become none. If he asks me what I want to do on the date, he’s probably not the one for me. If he doesn’t want to pick me up for the date, he’s not the one. If he goes three days without contacting me…not the one. I am learning what I want and don’t want in a man and it’s based on authentic desires rather than a desperate need to be accepted. I accept myself now, I really do.

Where have all the real men gone?

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I’m excited about one of the men I’ve met recently. We’ve been talking daily, sometimes twice a day, and he has many of the qualities I desire in man. Through the latest part of my inner work, I spent much time and energy figuring out what I want in a man and I realize I really need a dominant man who will take charge and be in his masculine energy. I love the way this man communicates with me. He tells me what he wants and then asks me how I feel about it. So much better than a man asking me what I want. Men who ask you what you want, whether it’s what movie to see or where to go eat, are not nice or polite…they are lazy.

Preparing for The One

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I will get the chance to find out more about that gentleman I was talking about in the last post because we are going out this Friday night. It will be my first date since I took a vow of abstinence in August 2010. The celibate period was only meant to last a year, mind you, but I got so involved with discovering myself and my own motivations that I needed a little more time to be sure I would attract the right person for me. Today someone told me quite simply, “you attract what you are” and I am hopeful that all the inner work I’ve done on myself will help raise the bar in terms of the men that come into my life.

I know my man is coming; in the past 3 days I have been asked out by five different men: three of them online, one from my past, and another who I met through friends. Now I get the pleasure of going out with these men and discovering more about them, finding out what I like and what I don’t like and I’m excited because I’m going into dating now as a new woman who knows herself and her boundaries. Rather than doing whatever I can to please the other person, I’ll be using my boundaries to weed out the ones who are not willing to wait. In a little over a year I have gone from being a woman who had sex on the first date to one who is saving sex for marriage and who will not kiss on the first date. How is that for transformation?

The Dating Pool

Well, now that I’ve put my toe into the dating pool I’m beginning to get a few bites! I was asked out for the second time last week and for the second time I did something to mess it up! I am pretty sure this is my subconscious which is not ready for dating, even though my conscious mind says yes. A gentleman asked me out and did all the things the way I like them done – asked for my phone number, called me several times, asked me out and then planned the date. On the morning of the date I woke up sick and had to cancel. But instead of being disappointed I was relieved. Relieved because I wouldn’t have to go outside my comfort zone and risk being rejected or finding out that he wasn’t for me.

Perhaps the reason I got sick is that it wasn’t meant to be: he is younger than me and I am looking for a marriage bound relationship while he is looking for a good time. I am pretty sure that if I told him I am waiting until I’m married to have sex he would bolt. But I won’t know for sure because I didn’t get the chance to find out. Another guy asked me out and although I’ve said yes I am not feeling optimistic – and I am a very optimistic person! I keep coming up with reasons why this date will be a waste of time and I’ll never find the right man for me…what kind of an attitude is that?

I think I will go out with both of these gentleman and reserve judgment: go in without any expectations about the outcome and find some joy in meeting a new person and the growth that comes from stretching outside one’s comfort zone.