Unavailable men and the longing for Daddy

Bella from Dateless in Dallas left a helpful comment on my last post about my unavailable man: it’s best to stay away from him because I deserve better. In my mind I know that, but my heart says something different. I have been working on letting him go (even though I never really had him) and every time I do he writes to me and throws me off kilter once again. This time he pleaded, “come back to me”.

When I’m feeling unsure I wait at least one day and preferably three before taking action. I waited about 36 hours and then I sent him an honest email but I sense my own cowardice in leaving the door open for him and also a dangerous addiction to unavailable men. I am consistently attracted to men who are unable or unwilling to give themselves to me completely and it is something I need to work on if I am going to move forward into the healthy relationship I desire and deserve.

I realize part of my affliction is a fear of commitment on my part. I get to blame him for not being available but in reality it is me  avoiding commitment by choosing these types of men. I confess I find unavailable men more attractive and more of  a “turn on” to me than men who give me the time and attention I say I crave.

Relationship expert Dr. Patricia Allen says a woman’s attraction to unavailable men stems from her “longing for Daddy”. In other words, women who grew up with fathers who were emotionally unavailable are used to that feeling of longing for a man and not really having him. It feels like home even though it doesn’t feel good. That was a lightbulb moment for me, hearing that explanation, but not enough to curb my habit, obviously.

I’m sure there are many books written on the topic of addiction to unavailable men and I think it’s time I dove in. It is a season of self-awareness for me and it’s time to figure out why I choose men who don’t choose me or who only give me a part of themselves.

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Published in: on March 8, 2012 at 7:26 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thank you for showing some love on your blog! I noticed though that you put the URL wrong, it’s actually datelessndallas.com

    I agree with you on how you tend to be attracted, and long for someone who is unavailable. We want what we can’t have. I also didn’t have my real dad growing up and although we still talk, it’s long distance and I haven’t seen him since I was 15 yrs old. I have my stepdad though who came into my life around 14, and I’d like to think he filled that need, but in the back of my mind, I’ll always crave my dad’s attention more because I love him. I think it’s definitely necessary to evaluate what it is that we want, before we can go out there and find it. Otherwise you are aimlessly going about, and not knowing any different.

    I’m actually going to blog something similar about this on my blog today, so stay tuned!

    • Hi Bella, thanks for the heads up. I have fixed the link and can’t wait to check out your post on unavailable men. What a revelation to me that I have this issue and it’s something new I need to work through. Life is just a series of lessons, isn’t it?

  2. Here’s the link!
    http://www.datelessndallas.com/2012/03/thinking-thursday-unavailable-men.html


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