Calling in the One relationship guide

relationship, single woman, wife, husband, marriage, love, dating

I picked up a book Calling in ‘The One’: 7 weeks to attract the love of your life. Ooh, sounds so desperate I know! I heard the author in an interview and I liked what she had to say about finding love for yourself before you can find it with someone else. The book is written as a 7-week course with one small lesson every day that gets you in touch with yourself and others and primes you to become a magnet for love. The first lesson was a meditation on being open to giving and receiving love and it really did change the way I felt – happier and more beautiful; it was pretty profound. The second lesson is a repeated mantra: “I am connected to everyone and everything.” I’ve been saying it throughout the day and have been feeling more relaxed and more chatty with people I encounter like store clerks and so on. That’s as far as I’ve got and it’s quite promising.

I do believe that change comes from within. Nothing outside of you needs to change in order to feel better…once you change your thinking then the external things shift. It’s all perception. Our thoughts create our reality. I’m sure that’s how the book works. If you change your thoughts into more loving ones, of course love will come your way. It’s basic law of attraction. What do you think?

Joyce Meyer’s Confidence Boosters

God, spirituality, Christianity, Joyce Meyer, Church, relationship, JesusAs I’ve grown and learned to set boundaries, my confidence has improved and I can say that I love and care for myself and know my needs are just as important as anyone else’s. I have learned to stand up for myself in a way that is peaceful and kind rather than angry and hurtful. I go out of my way not to hurt anybody even the least little bit. Yesterday, for instance, I was feeling incredibly irritable and I said a little prayer asking God to please not let my bad mood cause pain to anyone else. I accepted my feelings but I didn’t want them to hurt anyone. I continued on with my day feeling quite irritable and testy but I realized when I went to sleep that my prayer had been answered! In spite of my ornery mood, I had not taken it out on anyone else, not even in the smallest way.

I know it was God and not me because I was not trying  to be good. I was quite surprised at the end of the night to realize I had not inflicted my bad mood on anyone even though I had accepted rather than denied my feelings (or perhaps for that very reason.) Knowing your prayers will be answered is a profound confidence booster. Here are 9 more tips for building self-confidence from Joyce Meyer via The Choice-Driven Life:

1. Never think or speak negatively about yourself.

2. Meditate on and speak positive things about yourself.

3. Never compare yourself with anyone else.

4. Focus on your potential not your limitations.

5. Find something you like to do and that you do well – then do it over and over.

6. Have the courage to be different. Be a God-pleaser, not a man-pleaser.

7. Learn to cope with criticism.

8. Determine your own worth – don’t let other people do it for you.

9. Keep your flaws in perspective.

The wisdom of waiting for marriage

By the title of this blog it’s obvious I started it to document my journey of sexual abstinence. At the time I was sure I would white knuckle it through the twelve months and jump into bed with the first available guy as soon as the year was up. Of course during the year I spent a lot of time on my own which gave me the chance to raise my level of self-awareness and without the distraction of a dramatic relationship, I could begin to see my patterns and what drove me to do the things I did, especially self-sabotage.

I used to look for a partner to fill the hole inside me, to “fix me” so to speak and now that I’m emotionally healthier I see that is a recipe for disaster. That’s why I’ve been working on myself incessantly and understanding God has not sent me the right person yet because I’m not ready for him. Now that I understand the Law of Attraction (that like attracts like), I’m committed to developing my character until I am at a place where I would want to attract someone like me. If I went with what I would attract now, I would outgrow him in short order and I’m looking for a long-term marriage bound relationship.

The greatest gift I have earned over this year of celibacy (almost fifteen months now) is the wisdom of saving oneself for marriage and the truth that men and women are not equal but different. I realize now I don’t want a man to go toe-to-toe with but one who will take care of me and my feelings and to whom I can look up and respect. The world we live in doesn’t support that point of view, but I only need one man who understands this, not the world.

The Pat Allen approach to relationships

relationship, man, woman, dating, marriage, marianne williamson

You may have read here about my favourite relationship advice expert, Dr. Pat Allen. I was lucky enough to meet her this weekend by attending a retreat she hosted where she gave us her take on finding and keeping the ideal relationship. That’s her first tip: you don’t commit to the man, you commit to the relationship. Her next piece of advice is that you withhold intercourse until you have an engagement ring on your finger. No blow jobs, either. She says it’s ok to “sleep together” and pet and touch and so on, but no penetration of any kind until you get the marriage commitment.

I was so happy to have Pat personally validate my own aversion to a man asking me to decide where we go on a date. I told her I find it highly distressing if a man picks me up for a date and says “Where do you want to go?” I get flustered and feel terrible when that happens. Dr. Allen said I had a good reason to feel that way and the reason is that I’m a woman! Men are supposed to make the decisions, pay for the dates, do the asking, approaching, calling and initiating. Hallelujah!

Dr. Allen also validated my feeling that men are to be the first to approach and speak to a woman with whom they’re interested. She said my job is to learn how to signal to them that it’s ok to approach. Because, she says, a gentleman will not approach a woman unless he is absolutely sure she wants him to. She said you do it with your eyes: you have to look him in the eyes for 5 full seconds so he knows you want him. Sounds easy but it’s horrifying to me! I said but what if you’re shy? And she said you do it anyway. She said to practice with men you’re not attracted to so it’s easier. So that’s what I did in the airport waiting for my flight home from the retreat. I practiced looking people in the eyes, both men and women. I held their gaze for 5 seconds and 90 percent of the time they looked away first. The other ten per cent of people looked a little confused. Thank goodness none of the men approached me because I wouldn’t have known what to do.

I’m relieved to know there is a relationship expert out there who shares my values and I can feel supported in my desire to attract a strong man who will take charge and lead! She also said a woman should never speak first when approached unless she wants to be the man in the relationship. I love that. So, now I have to practise making eye contact with people so I can use it on the the next desirable man I see.

She also said to never take a man’s phone number (yay!). If he gives you his card, accept it, turn it over and write your own number on the back and give it back to him. If you don’t like him, of course, just keep the card and forget about it. It’s not game playing because this all feels very natural to me. Asking men out and making the first move and deciding where to go on a date: that feels unnatural. I’m thrilled to have my feelings about men and dating validated in this way and I’m pleased I no longer have to feel like I’m from another planet because I don’t want to be equal with men.

Men are dynamic, women magnetic

sex, relationship, marriage, men, women, gifts, God

Dr. Pat Allen says that no woman wants to give, protect and cherish anyone over the age of 10 unless she is given what she needs first. The mistake we and society make is in believing that nurturing is a feminine quality when it is actually masculine. That makes a lot of sense to me in the way I feel when taking care of my two daughters. Caring for my children does feel very masculine because it is a leadership role that requires me to discipline and make decisions and be a role model. Although I adore my time with my girls and am so grateful to be their mom, I feel the need to replenish after a day of looking after them with some quiet feminine time to myself, be it a candlelit bubble bath or meditation.

When I’m allowed to be magnetic and “enchanting”, just being in my feminine energy, it feels “right” whereas trying to make things happen by being assertive and aggressive feels like I’m going against my nature. Which I am. Dr. Allen says women are meant to be magnetic and receptive and men dynamic and giving, that women must be rooted in their own sense of self-worth and men must feel competent and adequate. It’s that cherish vs. respect thing.

That’s why men are drawn to women that seem like they don’t need them and turned off by women who come across as desperate. Because a desperate woman doesn’t know her value. At the same time, giving a man too much can turn him off as he is meant to be the giver. I can attest to this in my last relationship where I made the mistake of thinking I had to reciprocate his giving in a material way. Men give to show their love; they don’t want anything in return except our respect.

What do you think of these ideas?

Course in Miracles: happiness lies within

I mentioned in a previous post that I’m doing A Course in Miracles online and the principle I’m working on now is based around the fact that nothing outside yourself can make you happy. Our ego wants us to believe that if only this would change or that person would do this or it would stop raining or whatever, that we would be happy. Anyone who’s chased a goal and then felt deflated when they achieved it (as I have over and over), or felt like a new boyfriend would make them feel better until he didn’t, or depended on any external circumstance to determine their happiness, has been sorely misled.

The only chance for happiness is in ourselves, our surrender to God’s will for us, and our acceptance that everything is exactly as it should be. We don’t need to do anything to be happy. That doesn’t mean we sit around and meditate all day; it does mean we quit feeling as though things around us have to be different than they are right now in order for us to be happy.

I’ve begun a practice of radical gratitude. Every time I turn on the tap I am grateful for the water that comes out. I am grateful for the clouds in the sky whenever I look up. I am grateful that I can walk safely down my street without the threat of violence. I am grateful for this breath. And that one, too. How arrogant of me to wish I had anything other than what I have right now! Who do I think I am? Do I know better than God what is good for me?

My guinea pig eats more fresh fruits and vegetables than many children around the world. I’m not just grateful; I’m filthy stinking rich and it’s kind of disgusting that I ever thought otherwise. But I have, and I probably will again, and it’s got more to do with comparing myself to all the materially rich people around me than it does with any reality.

God and the clouds in the sky

It’s amazing how waiting until marriage for sex has become counter-culture. Not so long ago, premarital sex was frowned upon: remember those stories about young women who got pregnant “out of wedlock” and were sent away to have the baby because their parents would have suffered so much public shaming had they stayed? Obviously, we don’t want to go back to those days, but how did we go so far the other way? Does it have anything to do with God becoming a bad word?

I was taking in the perfect white fluffy clouds against the clear blue sky today and thinking how magnificent they looked. I wondered how anyone who witnessed such a sight could believe there’s no God. Who else could have created that beauty? Isn’t the contrast between God-made beauty (sky, trees, animals) and man-made “beauty” (buildings, houses, roads) evidence enough? I just wonder why the world is moving away from God and why it believes there is freedom in not believing in anything. Atheists cry “logic” but my logic tells me the evidence of God is everywhere, starting with the clear blue sky.

The Confident (Christian) Woman

sex, christianity, marriage, wife, husband

I picked up a book yesterday called The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer which encourages self-esteem in women who are too often broken both by personal trials and the general mistreatment of women in our society. The book is based on Christian principles and one passage stood out to me as it reminded me of my last post on the strength of a woman. The author writes: “The Bible states that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. The woman is to submit to her husband as is fitting in the Lord.

So, once again God shows Himself to me. One day after I write a post on submission being a strength, He directs me to a book about being a confident woman that includes the idea of submitting to your husband. Coincidence? I think not.

Submissive: strength of a woman

I’ve written before on this blog that I don’t believe in equality between the sexes. That doesn’t mean I think men are better than women or vice versa, just that we were designed for different functions. I believe men and women complement each other perfectly like yin and yang and that they each bring to the relationship something that the other lacks.

Trouble happens in marriages because of the lie of equality in relationships which leads husband and wife to vie for the power position. Men are often emasculated by the fact that they no longer have a leadership role: two income families are the norm and it’s not uncommon for women to out-earn their husbands (nothing wrong with that). Not only are women now providers and leaders in their families, they are also the disciplinarians of children.

I’ve always felt like a submissive woman and desired a man I could look up to and who would make the decisions (after consulting me, of course) but I was ashamed to admit that. Unfortunately, if you say you are submissive people only think about kinky sex–such is the direction our society has gone. I always wanted a man to take care of me and protect me but if I admitted that I would be admonished as a weakling!

I am finally embracing my intuition and understanding that the strength of a women is different from the strength of a man. When you hear a woman described as “strong” it’s often because she demonstrates characteristics of a man: bold, brash, outspoken…but what if the strength of a woman is something quieter and softer, more feminine? I don’t want to compete with men. I want to be a woman and have that be enough.

Guest Post: 6 years celibate and finally happy

abstinence, sex, men, women, relationship, single woman, dating, one night standToday’s post comes courtesy of Madi, a reader who has been celibate for over 5 years now. I can relate to the experience of having casual sex with men and then becoming afraid of them when you stop. I can also relate to feelings of inadequacy and people pleasing. Here is her story:

My celibacy journey started with a break-up six years ago.  Back then, I thought I was in love with the man but now I know I wasn’t. Now, I know something I didn’t:  Love mustn’t hurt. I only loved the fact that he took care of me. I thought he did, but I wasn’t good enough for him to take me out. He destroyed my self-esteem which wasn’t very strong and made me think I was good for nothing except being his sex-toy.

I let him use me as a tool and for almost 5 years of my celibacy journey, I still acted like one: never saying no, always smiling, forgetting what I love, what I don’t.  The worst of it is I wasn’t aware I was erasing myself.
I was with another man that I thought would take care of me, but I didn’t love him: I only held the hope that he could make me happy and love me.
After that I remained alone; in fact, I was lonely because at that time I lost myself. I slept with a friend who only wanted a one-night stand. I was crying but he didn’t notice.  I felt very bad. I don’t like that.

At that time, instead of treasuring myself, I wore a suit of armor.  I built it and polished it:  nobody would find the real me. I was smiling here and there, saying exactly what people wanted to hear. I survived three years like that. Then, I discovered “The Secret” and things slightly changed. It was the year before. I started to go out with friends again but I was still in my “love me” role. And I was thinking the more I go out the more chance I would have to meet my soul mate. So with “The Secret”, I was only imaging the future and still being haunted by my past.

I started salsa. I always wanted to dance but I always needed someone do things with for everything. I wouldn’t do things by myself.  I discovered that I fear men; I didn’t want them to touch me. It’s quite annoying when you are dancing!!
But, God sent me last month all the answers I wanted to destroy this armor. I have freed myself and I can dance now.
These are the rules that I apply:

1.       I must treasure myself and take good care of me.
2.       I must love myself as I’m a part of God.
3.       I must live now and enjoy every moment: appreciate food, books, and flowers; there’s nothing extraordinary but it’s life.
4.       I don’t have to pretend to be perfect
5.       I don’t care if people don’t love me as long as I do.
6.       I don’t need to change
7.       I stop with the “when I‘ll have that, I’ll be happy”
I know I’m not ready to be this someone although I’m nearly 30 and everybody puts pressure on me. But it doesn’t affect me. I’m well with myself. I take my time to appreciate all the things I do in life and I can say: I’m truly happy.