- Tracy McMillan wrote Why You’re Not Married
I consider myself a marriage-bound person even though I’m not dating 🙂 I’ve never been a dater and have been in a few very long-term relationship including a decade-long marriage. I’m not afraid of commitment, but what I have come to discover about myself is that I’m afraid of intimacy. I tend to choose men who are emotionally detached (the “man’s man”) and who are incapable of sharing deeply with me. Of course, I’ve been incapable of the same thing but it’s easier to blame it all on them. It also normalizes the situation because people expect men to play their cards close to their chest.
According to John Gray of Mars and Venus fame and many other experts (it’s science, people), our survival as a species has depended upon men’s need to retreat into silence when they have a problem and women’s need to talk, talk, talk about it to lower their stress levels. I’m a quiet girl but I can attest to the fact that my need to TALK about a problem is so strong that I will blow a gasket if I try to keep it to myself. Sometimes it is in the talking that I find the solution OR I simply feel a release of stress even if no solution presents itself. I don’t just feel better after talking it out, I feel as though I have saved my life. Women bond by talking; men bond by doing.
I came across an interesting article by Tracy McMillan for Huffington Post called Why You’re Not Married. Addressed to single women she outlines six reasons why women who want to be married aren’t. It’s brilliant in its simplicity and provides a template to follow if you are interested in attracting a suitable man. My favourite is #3 since I used to use sex to avoid intimacy (ironically enough).
1. You’re a Bitch.
You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.
2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl.
3. You’re a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop.
4. You’re a Liar.
You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.
6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
What do you think of Tracy McMillan’s six reasons you’re not married?