Bella from Dateless in Dallas left a helpful comment on my last post about my unavailable man: it’s best to stay away from him because I deserve better. In my mind I know that, but my heart says something different. I have been working on letting him go (even though I never really had him) and every time I do he writes to me and throws me off kilter once again. This time he pleaded, “come back to me”.
When I’m feeling unsure I wait at least one day and preferably three before taking action. I waited about 36 hours and then I sent him an honest email but I sense my own cowardice in leaving the door open for him and also a dangerous addiction to unavailable men. I am consistently attracted to men who are unable or unwilling to give themselves to me completely and it is something I need to work on if I am going to move forward into the healthy relationship I desire and deserve.
I realize part of my affliction is a fear of commitment on my part. I get to blame him for not being available but in reality it is me avoiding commitment by choosing these types of men. I confess I find unavailable men more attractive and more of a “turn on” to me than men who give me the time and attention I say I crave.
Relationship expert Dr. Patricia Allen says a woman’s attraction to unavailable men stems from her “longing for Daddy”. In other words, women who grew up with fathers who were emotionally unavailable are used to that feeling of longing for a man and not really having him. It feels like home even though it doesn’t feel good. That was a lightbulb moment for me, hearing that explanation, but not enough to curb my habit, obviously.
I’m sure there are many books written on the topic of addiction to unavailable men and I think it’s time I dove in. It is a season of self-awareness for me and it’s time to figure out why I choose men who don’t choose me or who only give me a part of themselves.