The gifted speaker in this Youtube video confirms that love addiction often occurs in people who grew up in alcoholic/drug addicted homes or with emotionally and/or physically abusive parents. My mother was alcoholic with borderline personality disorder. Love addiction often occurs in people who lived in homes where their emotional needs weren’t met. Love is the drug that attempts to fill a hole which is actually a childhood wound that needs to be examined and healed.
Shame came out on DVD today. The film by director Steve McQueen stars Michael Fassbender as Brandon, a sex addict living in New York. I used to laugh at the idea of being addicted to sex – how ridiculous! Now I realize sex can be just like any other addiction – when you use something outside of yourself to fill a hole that only God can fill. The fellow in the movie was obsessed with sex, having daily encounters with strangers and prostitutes, consuming constant pornography both at home and at work, and masturbating several times a day at home and work. Ironically, even though he was swapping fluids with strangers, he was compulsively clean: a germophope. And fittingly for a sex addict he had no real intimacy in his life. When the opportunity came to have sex with someone he cared for he couldn’t get it up! Immediately he went and had sex with a stranger in a high-risk encounter. He was hooked on illicit sex but sex with any tenderness was impossible.
Brandon’s sister who has her own issues (perhaps alcoholism) comes to stay with him and turns his perfectly ordered life upside down. she speaks my favourite line in the film when she says to him: “We’re not bad people; we just come from a bad place.” To me, that ties into childhood traumas and how they can cause pain so deep that addictions seem the only way out.
I mentioned in my last post that 5 men were expressing interest in me, not to brag but to compare the way that feels now as opposed to then. Then it would have been an ego boost; now it represents a weeding out process. Today two have already demonstrated they are probably not the “man” for me. The first one gave me his phone number and told me to call or text him so we can get together. NO! You ask for my number and make the call because you are the man. I gave him my number instead so we’ll see what happens.
The second one just emailed me about a date Friday night and asked “So what do you want to do?” NO! You are the man, you tell me what we are doing and then maybe ask how I feel about that. Again, I threw it back to him. I regret that I did make a small suggestion that it be low key since it is a first date: I needn’t even be doing that if this is truly a weeding out process, but I am beginning to feel sorry for these men….which is definitely not the way to go into a relationship. I want a man I can look up to and respect and who will take the lead. It seems this type of man is incredibly hard to find.
“There is truth to the ‘just not that into you’ phenomenon. The more you accept that, the better off you are. Move on. Don’t think of striking out as a failure, or somebody not calling you as a failure…it’s just another step in finding somebody. Don’t fear rejection. Don’t put so much emphasis on it. It just may not be the right time or the right person. So what?” ~Jordan Knight via The Single Woman
I used to fear rejection so much that I’d do anything to avoid it, including having sex with someone I barely knew. Consciously, I didn’t realize I was seeking approval but in hindsight and after much self-improvement work, and nearly a year and a half of celibacy, I can see my motives clearly. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted because I was so busy trying to figure out what other people wanted, and altering myself to please them. It was truly soul-sucking and it wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to discover what made me tick – in other words what motivated me to do the things I did – that I could begin to change.
I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to realize I don’t want somebody who treats me poorly; I just wanted him to want me and it had very little to do with him as a person. He was more like a mirror to me of myself. If he rejected me, then I must not be lovable or acceptable. I had no inner core of wisdom to tell me I was fine on my own. For the past year and a half I have been on a mission to find self-love and I can honestly say I am finally there. Random thoughts run through my mind that say “You’re a lovely person” (and I am!) rather than “Loser!” or “You’re so stupid,” which is what my self-talk used to sound like.
If a man stops contacting me I don’t obsess on it or, heaven forbid, call him again. I know enough now to know that if a man wants to get in touch with you he will, even if it requires him to hire a private investigator – no lost phone number is going to stop him. Rather than fuming over a lack of attention, I acknowledge my need for a certain level of attention and if he can’t give it, he’s not the right one for me. Right now I have about 5 men interested in me. That would have been a big ego trip for me before, but now it is simply a weeding out process. 5 could easily and quickly become none. If he asks me what I want to do on the date, he’s probably not the one for me. If he doesn’t want to pick me up for the date, he’s not the one. If he goes three days without contacting me…not the one. I am learning what I want and don’t want in a man and it’s based on authentic desires rather than a desperate need to be accepted. I accept myself now, I really do.
I mentioned in a previous post that I’m doing A Course in Miracles online and the principle I’m working on now is based around the fact that nothing outside yourself can make you happy. Our ego wants us to believe that if only this would change or that person would do this or it would stop raining or whatever, that we would be happy. Anyone who’s chased a goal and then felt deflated when they achieved it (as I have over and over), or felt like a new boyfriend would make them feel better until he didn’t, or depended on any external circumstance to determine their happiness, has been sorely misled.
The only chance for happiness is in ourselves, our surrender to God’s will for us, and our acceptance that everything is exactly as it should be. We don’t need to do anything to be happy. That doesn’t mean we sit around and meditate all day; it does mean we quit feeling as though things around us have to be different than they are right now in order for us to be happy.
I’ve begun a practice of radical gratitude. Every time I turn on the tap I am grateful for the water that comes out. I am grateful for the clouds in the sky whenever I look up. I am grateful that I can walk safely down my street without the threat of violence. I am grateful for this breath. And that one, too. How arrogant of me to wish I had anything other than what I have right now! Who do I think I am? Do I know better than God what is good for me?
My guinea pig eats more fresh fruits and vegetables than many children around the world. I’m not just grateful; I’m filthy stinking rich and it’s kind of disgusting that I ever thought otherwise. But I have, and I probably will again, and it’s got more to do with comparing myself to all the materially rich people around me than it does with any reality.
I mentioned in a previous post that I have a low flame for a guy in my circle of friends who is not available. I read a book by Marianne Williamson called A Return To Love and in it she says that when she has feelings for a man that are, ahem, inappropriate, she asks God to take those feelings and use them for His greater purpose. In other words, she doesn’t fight them or resist them as I’ve been doing. As they say, what you resist persists. Not wanting these feelings isn’t making them go away, so they must serve some purpose.
I shared my story with my friend and she said I might end up dating this person in the future, or I have a lesson to learn from the whole experience. She said to keep on working on being the person I want to date. I can do that; keep working on myself. I can’t become any taller…but everything else I seek in an ideal mate I can improve upon in myself.
I’m almost at the end of my one-year journey of celibacy and another attractive man has invited me out (!) I’m mildly interested but I know if I go with him it will only be to get my mind off the other guy and that’s not right. That would be using him and another way I’ve changed over the past year is that I don’t use people and I check my motives constantly. In this case, my motives are less than pure, so I’ve decided not to take the fellow up on his offer. I’m not willing to be careless with someone else’s feelings just to feed my own ego. That’s past behaviour. I’m beyond that now.
I’m very near the end of my one-year celibate journey and, so far, it’s been a character-building experience. My personality has truly improved which is something I didn’t expect. When I began, my goal was simply to better myself so I could attract a better mate. I never thought about self-improvement for its own sake! The idea of living single for any length of time was unfathomable to me and I figured as soon as my year was up I’d be eager to get into the relationship of my dreams.
One of the ways I’ve changed, is that I’m quite happy on my own. So, in a sense, I do have the relationship of my dreams: with myself! If a man does enter the picture, I know now what my boundaries are (no texting, for instance) and am ready to impose them. I already applied my “no men in my house alone” rule with a male friend who was cool with it and said he respected me for doing it.
Another way I have grown is that I am happy as I am rather than looking to someone else to “fix me” or make me feel better. I realize I’m the only one who can do that, so rather than looking for someone to stroke my ego, I’m becoming the person I used to want to date. All the qualities I “look for” in a man, I’m developing in myself. I guess I’m becoming my own lover just like my friend suggested (as I wrote about in the last post).
I also learned from Neale Donald Walsch that wanting will only get you more of the feeling of wanting and I don’t want that! I have asked God to give me whatever he thinks I need, whether that’s remaining single or having a partner. I trust Him to make the right decision for me and deliver the perfect outcome for the good of all involved.
I mentioned I’m watching a video series by Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations With God. I had to pay for the privilege but I’m sharing his insights with you for free! The main idea in the second of the seven-part series is that wanting is the most non-beneficial thing you can do to achieve that which you desire. If you put out a feeling of wanting something then that is what you will get back, NOT the thing you want but more of the experiencing of wanting it.
The “universe” (or God as I call it) answers “yes” to every desire you express. So if you say “I want to make more money,” God says “yes” and you will continue to WANT to make more money. If you say you want a beautiful relationship with a lovely man, God will say “yes” and you will keep WANTING a beautiful relationship. How to get around this quandary? Neale suggests saying to yourself and God (however you interpret that) “I know the perfect relationship is coming to me. Thank you, God.” Isn’t that amazing? So much more fun, too, because you feel hopeful and I guess that is the whole idea around manifesting.
I am also studying A Course in Miracles which is a free program of daily lessons that reprograms your mind so you can be happier and more peaceful. So far, I have gleaned from the course that most of my thoughts are attacking, especially against myself, and that I identify with my ego even though that is not me. I discovered from today’s exercise a difficult truth that explains a lot about my past behaviour with men: I don’t believe I will find a man who is willing to wait for me and that is an attack thought against myself.
What do you think of these spiritual ideas?
Remember Neale Donald Walsch from Conversations With God? I’m watching a new video series of his on spiritual education and he says there are 5 levels of truth telling:
1. Tell the truth to yourself about yourself. Sounds easy but can you really accept and confess all your attributes and weaknesses? It’s called self-awareness and I’m just learning how to embrace it fully on this year’s celibate journey. He says #1 is the most important of the 5 levels of truth-telling. He encourages you to write down 5 things about yourself that you want to acknowledge about yourself to yourself. These can be positive or negative.
2. Tell the truth to yourself about another. He says to write down 5 truths that you need to tell yourself about another (just one person). It could be a spouse or a boss or a friend or a parent or a child. Here he points out that there are no universal or absolute truths. All truths are contextual.
3. Tell the truth about yourself to another. Choose someone you trust utterly, your best friend perhaps, and let them know in advance what you will be doing,
4. Tell your truth about another to that other. Yikes. This one separates the women from the girls. He says to tell five truths to the most important living person in your life.
5. Tell the truth to everyone about everything. I love this! And I love getting permission to do it. I’m so tired of worrying about what people think and editing what I say to try and please them. All truth all the time from now on!
I had dinner with a friend of mine yesterday, a friend who happens to be truly evolved and believes improving our self-awareness will have an immeasurably positive impact on many people around the world, not just in our immediate circle. He also believes the key to happiness is to empty our minds of all the crap that’s been written on it since the day we were born.
He likens the human brain to a computer that gets programmed with information it is fed from our parents, teachers, elders, friends, relationships, society in general. Our brains are so full of false crap that we don’t even know what’s real anymore and that’s what’s led us into what some see as a seeming hell on earth.
The Course in Miracles I told you about also teaches that all the junk in our heads is unreal. It says our thoughts are meaningless and that trying to put our own meaning on the world through our thoughts is to put ourselves in competition with God. Yikes! That is some deep doo-doo. I am only beginning to wade through it.
P.S. I’m happy to report this gentleman is my first male friend. Ever! Would not have been possible without this celibate year.
What do you think of this empty mind theory? Is it achievable?