Not a love match made in heaven

Well, I’ve called in one and it definitely wasn’t The One! I’ve told you guys that I’ve been reading a book about learning how to love and accept yourself so you can draw in a lover who is just right for you: law of attraction type of stuff. At the same time I’ve done the unthinkable (for me anyway) and signed up for an internet dating service (it’s a big one: maybe you can guess). The response has been kind of spotty with lots of winks and “likes” on my photos, the occasional email exchange without any follow-up and one guy who was totally randy and only wanted to talk dirty all the time. His second email to me read: “I really want to get naked with you. Am very attracted.” He even invited me to check out a “hot picture” of himself that he took for me… so we may have been entering Wiener territory, I’m not sure.

Then a cute, younger guy sent me a very nice email. The age difference was significant so I wrote back and mentioned that I am ten years older than his upper limit on his profile so he may have made a mistake. Perhaps that’s my low (let’s call it developing) self-esteem talking but I just wanted to be clear. He wrote back and said “No mistake” and he’d like to get to know me better. He asked for my phone number right away but I wanted to wait until I knew him better for security reasons. I want to stay true to my new boundaries and not bust them up all over again looking for the approval of a man.

After a few pleasant exchanges he asked once again for my phone number and I obliged. The very next morning he sent me a text saying hello. I thought that was nice although wondered why ask for my phone number if you’re going to continue typing. I also have a boundary with men in which I don’t exchange text messages. Although I was tempted to return his text again because I feared he might go away if I didn’t, I held fast to my new rule and reminded myself that I deserve a nice good morning text without being obliged to return it. Also, I want to start as I mean to go on. If I have set a boundary in which I don’t engage in texting with men, I must send the right message from the beginning.

Later in the day he phoned me and I got a voice mail message which sounded very nice. He said hello and asked me to call him back when I could. At that point I was off to pick up my children from school and spend the remainder of the evening with them. So I made a mental note to call this much younger man about 9:30 after my children were tucked in bed. Right in the middle of bedtime rituals, my phone rang again and I had the feeling it was him. I was on my way to the phone but got there on the last ring and missed the call. Immediately, a text came in that read “What was the point of this?” This, less than a day after I have given him my phone number.

I really wanted to ignore him but I know how that feels when you think someone is playing games with you (although I’d usually wait at least three days before getting upset about it!) So I called him back expecting him to be a little sheepish or embarrassed, even apologetic. All the men I’ve dealt with do their best to keep their cool. Instead he was mad and started in on me right away. All of a sudden, I knew what it felt like to be a man! And it didn’t feel good. I have read so many dating advice books that say “always let him know you are happy he called” and now I know why! It feels crappy to call someone and have them be mad at you. I’m not sure if I ever did that to a man before but I’m never going to do it again. I’m taking it as a really good lesson, and in case you haven’t guessed, I told this young man we’re not a good “match”.

Do you have any interesting internet dating stories?

Calling in ‘The One’: The Sacred Wound

We’re getting down to the nitty gritty with the Calling in ‘The One’ book. Today we must write about the ways we have been wounded from a stance that is courageous warrior rather than victim. Can you think of a trauma from your past that left you feeling unlovable? Can you re-write the story to give yourself credit for surviving or even rising above the abuse? They say that those who have fallen the farthest will rise the highest (or something like that!). Our wounds are how we heal the world. First we heal ourselves and then we share what we learned through the experience with others who may have suffered the same ordeal. People with ordinary lives with not big ups and downs don’t get that privilege. Their lives may seem easier but in the end their purpose is different.

The central lesson I am learning from this entire experience – not just the book but the whole celibate trip – is that happiness can only come from within. There is nothing another human being can give me to make me happier; I can only give myself that gift which, for me, comes through a deeper relationship with God. I’m not sure if this is conducive to the mission of the book, but I realized today when I was out running that it doesn’t matter to me whether I meet someone or not. I am happy as I am and the only time I feel incomplete is when I see some popular culture version of what happy is supposed to be., ie., always based on something/someone outside of yourself.

Getting back to today’s “love lesson”, which says to write about your sacred wound (for me that would be my emotionally abusive mother) and how it puts you in the unique position of healing others. Right away, I thought about my daughters and how my own healing and self-awareness will give them a more competent mother. I also thought about the idea that self-awareness is the only way to heal the world and the only education we all need. We think education is best when it’s about abstract ideas, books, and historical events when in fact the most important education is learning to understand one’s inner self, what motivates you to do what you do. Change yourself, change the world.

Buddha’s 4 noble truths

I read an article today about Buddha’s teachings and the 4 Noble Truths. They are:

1. Suffering exists.

2. Suffering is a result of our attachment to desires.

3. Suffering stops when our attachment to desire stops. 

4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the eightfold path.

I have the feeling Buddha was talking about material desires when he came up with these teachings, although it’s possible he was also referring to desires of the flesh. I realized when reading about Buddha that desire is simply a lack of acceptance of what is, or wanting something you don’t already have. Of course, that makes us unhappy! That’s why my unrequited crush has been driving me crazy, and why I’ve decided to let him go, wish him all the love in the world–even though it’s not with me.

Law of Attraction

I saw a guy the other day that made me feel something. I didn’t speak to him, was only in close proximity to him and he just aroused something in me that I thought had gone to sleep. In the past I would probably have had sex with this guy by now but since I am in my blissful abstinence phase, I had the freedom of not being able to pursue him at all even if I was so inclined. Which I wasn’t.

I enjoyed the feeling of attraction, was even surprised by it, rather than having to do something about it like figure out a way to meet the man. Before my self-imposed celibacy, when I was attracted to a guy I had to have him and would do whatever it took to get him. Now I can simply observe and enjoy these feelings and have the pleasure of going home by myself. And masturbating, of course.

Seven Deadly Sins

Brad Pitt & Morgan Freeman in Seven

A celibate Christmas. It got me thinking about the seven deadly sins: what are they again?

Lust (a-ha!)

Gluttony

Sloth

Envy

Greed

Pride

Wrath

I’m pretty sure those are the famous Seven. And I’m pretty sure I’ve engaged in every one of them at some point in the past. And, you know, I didn’t believe they were sins at all. In fact, I thought these seven qualities were necessary, even good; definitely not evil. That’s because my ego was running the show and what my ego wanted, it got. I was impulsive, impatient, seeking instant gratification, shallow, elitist, and ignorant.

Lust, what could possibly be wrong with that? That’s just admiring another for their sexy qualities and indulging in some harmless play. Well, no, it’s objectifying another person, reducing him to his sexuality and not seeing him as a person with thoughts, feelings, and dreams. It is demeaning both to you and the other person and reduces you to your base urges…in which case you may as well be an animal.

As for gluttony, what’s the harm in over-indulging? Especially at Christmastime when there is so much around us to enjoy? While it’s true that denying ourselves food will not make the hungry less so, when we include intoxicants in this category we see where the harm lies. Overindulging in alcohol can lead to disastrous results including deviant sexual behaviour, neglect and abuse of loved ones, and a flouting of personal ethics and social mores. In many cases it can also lead to death.

How did sloth come into my life? The least effort for the most monetary gain was my motto; work smart not hard, and definitely don’t work for free. I have recently discovered the satisfaction of cleaning my own house when I used to pay someone to do it; of working hard all day and sometimes into the night to complete projects I’d previously procrastinated on; and of volunteer work: being of service to others, reaping no monetary gain but nourishing my soul in many beautiful ways.

And what of envy? I thought it healthy to look upon another with covetous eyes. Inspiring was the way I described my feelings of jealousy. You have what I want so I’ll pretend to be happy for your success when really I want it for myself. Secretly, I don’t believe you deserve that for which I envy you … Be honest; most of the things you envy are material anyway, not at all what God wants for you, but what your ego tells you you need. That’s why soon after you acquire it it loses its cache.

"Greed is good": Michael Douglas in Wall Street

It’s fairly obvious why greed is a deadly sin, but our society often confuses us by encouraging it. Even the so-called spiritual self-help movement (The Secret et al) would have you believe that wanting wanting wanting luxury goods is perfectly natural and ok and here’s what to do to get them. All that wonderful energy could be put into doing good in the world and instead they are encouraging you to use it to obtain a Maserati? No matter how you look at it, that is some faulty philosophy.

In the movie Seven, pride is represented by a model obsessed with her looks. The antagonist slices off her nose (to spite her face) and then leaves her with a bottle of pills (enough to kill her) taped to one hand, and a telephone receiver (to call for help) taped to another. Rather than live with a mutilated face, the girl opts to swallow the pills and end her life.

I’ve put my personal appearance ahead of my spiritual health for a long time. In fact, the better I’ve looked the worse I’ve felt, creating a complete disconnect between my outside and my inside. I’ve worked to change that by being easier on myself, dressing more comfortably, and daring to leave the house without make-up once in a while. I am slowly letting go of the need for external validation based on my appearance and asking to be loved for what’s inside, even by my self.

Wrath: although I’m uncertain about the exact meaning of this one, I have an idea it is about venting your frustrations on others. Letting loose a pile of vitriol on those who would dare to behave in ways that are not what you had in mind. It’s called control and it’s probably the sickest behaviour of all. Wrath’s close cousin is anger which is really a demonstration of powerlessness. Wrath can also be inflicted as retribution for a perceived wrong (the death penalty, for instance).

The opposite of wrath is forgiveness which I now practise every day, especially toward myself.

And in case you were wondering, the Seven Virtues are:

Chastity

Temperance

Charity

Diligence

Patience

Kindness

Humility

Queen Latifah’s answer is Just Wright

I just watched a movie with Queen Latifah called Just Wright. She’s the kind of girl guys always want to be friends with and her sister is the kind of beauty that guys want to date. Her sister uses Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now, the Law of Attraction, and vision boards to land herself a succesful NBA player. Within a few weeks they are engaged. When the player suffers a career-threatening injury, however, the sister calls off the engagement by leaving her fiance a note while he’s laid up in bed with a smashed knee.

Queen Latifah just happens to become McKnight’s (love the use of naming) physical therapist and they forge a relationship that eventually turns romantic. They fall in love. So good is her therapy that McKnight is back to game shape before the playoffs and sister comes knocking. He falls for her story about being abandoned by her father and it affecting her ability to commit (plus she looked really hot) and takes her back. As he uncovers her motives, however, he realizes he really loves Queen L and goes to Philadelphia to get her back.

She tells him flat out, “I’m not going to be your Plan B.”

I was shocked! I thought she’d run into his arms and kiss him hard. That’s what I would have done! I have let myself be Plan B, C, or D many times. I didn’t think I was valuable enough to ask for more. I have answered texts from men after midnight. Most of the time these messages have come around last call time. Talk about a last resort. Now that I have been celibate for a couple of months I cringe at the thought that I ever let that happen, that I thought I wasn’t even worth being taken out for dinner or a movie. I told myself it didn’t matter, but of course it did.

I loved the idea of connecting with someone, talking about issues close to our hearts and doing fun things together. The truth is, I felt so uncomfortable around men that it was easier to just sleep with them. You don’t have to talk and risk the possibility that they might not like what you had to say. Sure, there was a sort of adrenaline rush that went with sex and as I mentioned in another entry, my ego loved the attention. It was not a connection though.

I know now that I desire an honest bond with someone that is based on what’s inside rather than the outside. I want to be able to be myself with somebody. I suppose first I have to figure out exactly who that is. I can already tell this year is going to help me alot with that self-discovery.

Byron Katie, Mother Teresa live ego-free

Mother Teresa gives her life to sharing God's love free of ego

“Wake yourself up to how you live your life wanting credit. It’s exhausting. We use people to raise our own self-esteem but it only lowers it.” -Byron Katie

Spiritual leader Byron Katie spent years in a deep depression before waking up one morning and realizing that all her problems were in her head. She developed a simple system she calls The Work to help people understand and overcome the way their thinking creates all the things they don’t want in their lives. Change or eliminate the thinking and the problems disappear.

The quote at the top of the page reminds me of myself. On this journey of sexual abstinence I have begun to uncover things about myself like the fact that the less I feed my gigantic ego (especially with sex and male attention), the smaller it gets. I was using men to make me feel better about myself and, as Katie says, it only made me feel worse. That’s because you can never find what you need outside of yourself. You have to go within. Everything you need lives there.

The wanting credit part applies to me, too, because I have become known as a generous and giving person. What a lot of people don’t know–and what is shifting, thankfully, as my ego shrinks–is that my charity came not from a pure heart. I did things for others with the expectation of return, if not from them then from some divine source. I believed you get what you give and that’s why I gave.

That return could come in the form of recognition, applause, monetary gain, favours “owed” to me. When I gave, to me that was putting money in the bank to be withdrawn at a later date. And heaven help the person who didn’t return my good deed when called upon. They risked being cut off completely…and would probably never understand why. Or, in many cases, even care or notice!

Since I stopped feeding my ego with sex and male attention, many wonderful things are coming to light. I am feeling true love for myself for the first time and the pure desire to give just because it feels good. I want to help others achieve their goals and I am happy to do so anonymously.

In the recent past, the idea of giving without recognition seemed futile to me. I had disdain for people like Mother Teresa, if you can fathom that, because who but a crazy person would give of themselves and ask for nothing in return! I realize now that I was the insane one because the gift of giving exists in itself. It is an ego-free sharing love and connectedness to God and my fellow human beings that is the essence and source of true happiness.

I began this journey of sexual abstinence with the goal of finding a way to connect with a man on a level that is more than purely physical and that is not about feeding my ego. I am amazed at how quickly I am finding the joy that exists when you don’t give in to every impulse, when you practise patience and extend good will, and truly listen and connect with the person in front of you whomever that may be.

I am already looking at the girl who got texts from different guys at 2 o’clock in the morning and wondering how she could value herself so little that she thought that was okay. Because that girl doesn’t seem like me anymore. That girl was somebody else, someone who just needed to learn how to love herself. And not in the way we are taught–like looking in the mirror and saying you’re beautiful; I did all that. I’m talking about loving yourself the way God loves you: in spite of all your imperfections; quietly, gently, and unconditionally.