Predator

I can’t believe I have the answer to the questions in the last post. Why did I get men into bed as quickly as possible eliminating any chance at a relationship? Because that’s where I got my power. From a very young age (around 15) men began reacting to me in a very sexual way, this includes teachers and bosses sexually harrassing me which can be very scary to a young girl, especially considering I was alone with them at the time.

So I was afraid of men yet I knew I had this sexual power over them that I could use to get the upper hand. Of course, I didn’t do this consciously; but as soon as I got a man in bed, I had all the power and he wasn’t scary anymore. I think I sexualized men a lot because it made them seem less scary to me.

Now that I know this about myself I am able to view men as people and treat them as individuals, not predators or potential bedmates. I’m not scared of them anymore and I feel like the goal of this year-long experiment–a healthy relationship with a man–is possible, if not probable and at least not out of the question.