Men are from Mars

Like many people, I used to scoff at that famous book by self-help guru Dr. John Gray called Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. The title was embarrassing and the whole concept seemed so cheesy, I would never read such pablum. Well, guess what I just uploaded to my Kindle?

Over the past year and a bit of celibacy I have been studying relationships in an effort to discover how I’ve gone so wrong in my past entanglements and to gain an increasing level of self-awareness. I’ve always looked at what I could get out of relationship without wondering what I could put into it. I realize now that *gasp* men and women are different and we have different needs and styles of communicating. I highly recommend Dr. Gray’s book for anyone woman or man who has scratched her head trying to figure out the opposite sex.

One of the most important lessons I gleaned from the text is that men don’t need to talk about their problems to feel better. As shocking as this may seem, the book says men mainly talk to give or receive information. It sounds sensible but for me (and all the women I know) talking has very little to do with exchanging information. We talk to feel close to other people and we talk because it lessens our stress. If I had a problem and didn’t talk about it immediately, I would explode! Apparently, men prefer to work out their problems on their own silently and will only ask for help if they’ve exhausted all options.

The author also addressed the fact that when you tell a man your problem he will try to solve it. That’s how he shows he cares. If he can’t solve it he feels like a failure and will not want to listen anymore. Sound familiar? He might also feel as though you are blaming him for your problem even when that’s the furthest thing from your mind. What men don’t realize is that we women just want someone to listen to us go on about our problem and usually in the talking we will see the solution ourselves. Or we will simply feel better for having said it out loud.

There are so many other gems in this book that have not only increased my self-awareness as a woman but have shed some light on those mysteries of men that I never understood and always took so personally. I hope you will check it out if you are feeling confused about your partner or the opposite sex. It might clarify a few things and improve your relationship or any unions you may have in the future.

Conscious Loving is Easy

During the past year I discovered an amazing book called Conscious Loving which helps couples repair broken relationships by being honest with one another about their feelings and stop blaming, criticizing and being defensive toward one another. The couple who wrote the book say they haven’t criticized or even said an unkind word to one another in fifteen years by using the methods they present in the book.

They say it’s most important to work on your inner self to improve the relationship and to drop criticism and attempts to change the other person. Self-awareness is key, they say. They also believe that society lies to us when it says love and relationships are hard work. True Love is easy, they say.

The authors, the Hendricks, explain that our relationships give us an opportunity to work through past issues in our lives and grow and mature as a result. Unfortunately most of us resist that opportunity for growth and rather than addressing a problem will deny, withdraw, or blame and criticize our partner. Conscious loving occurs when partners are willing to work through issues and see them as opportunities to grow. Rather than being defensive toward one another (which is exhausting and depletes creativity and causes boredom with our partner), the couple stands together facing the world to be productive and contributing members of society.

For single people like me, the Hendricks advise being sure of your 3 absolute Yes’s and No’s before embarking on a new relationship. I decided for me the 3 most important qualities I value in a partner:

1. Faith in God

2. Active/Athletic

3. Honest about feelings

My 3 No’s or Dealbreakers:

1. Wants children (no more for me, thank you)

2. Lacks formal education

3.  Mental Illness

What are your 3 absolute Yes’s and No’s?

Dating: Men, women, Fred & Ginger

Thirteen months ago now I embarked on a journey of self-discovery marked by an abstinence from sex and dating due to all the failed relationships I had endured and survived. Wanting to go into my next relationship with a little lighter baggage I decided to spend the last year gaining some self-awareness and trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong when it comes to romantic entanglements.

The fact that I’d refer to relationships with a metaphor of conflict gives you an idea of my experience. Relationship to me always equalled drama and pain and I am now ready for a relationship that equates with peace and comfort and maybe a touch of growth and understanding. The most potent piece of information I’ve gained on my travels is something that I already felt in my heart and soul, but that “society” (family, friends, books, gurus, television hosts) had all but convinced me was wrong. Intuitively I had the sense that as a woman I was different from a man. I wanted different things, I felt differently, reacted differently, wanted a different role in the relationship. But society kept telling me that was WRONG.

Men and women are equal, they said.

Men and women are the SAME, they said.

Men and women want exactly the same things, they said.

I tried to believe them, I really did, but something inside me always rebelled. When I tried to behave like a man, my body and soul complained and I didn’t feel like myself. It felt wrong to ask a man out. It felt wrong to pursue a man, to call him before he called me, to compete with a man. But I was told that those were all things I should want and that in order to be successful in work, life and love, I would have to learn to do those things. Man was the standard and we were all to adhere to that standard, regardless of how we were born.

Obviously, by my history of failed relationships and that of the majority of the free world, we can see this model of “equality” is not working. Women have no respect for their men and why should they? We give birth to the children, then have to go out and make money to support them, and discipline them as well…what’s to respect? But if men do try to take their rightful place and “be the man” they are challenged by the woman who has been trained to believe that she should be the boss as well. But you can’t have two bosses.

It’s a relief to me to know that it’s OK to be a woman, that there are men who want to be men. I’m a former dancer so I can draw an analogy here in those terms. When a couple dances, the man leads. No self-respecting female dancer will ask, “Why does the man always lead? Why can’t I lead?” Or refuse to follow her partner’s lead. She knows if she does that the dance will fall apart. Is there anyone who will say Ginger Rogers isn’t as valuable as Fred Astaire?

Youtube couple on webcam

I found this link via Facebook of an older couple trying to figure out a camera without realizing they are being recorded the whole time. I am touched by the way he adores her and takes cares of her after all those years! It’s very sweet; I hope you enjoy:

Waiting until marriage includes oral sex!

I just watched a Youtube video which answered a good question sent in by a viewer in a very bad way. She asked (and I’d like to know, too) how and when to go about letting a suitor know that he is not getting any unless or until you wed without turning him off or driving him away.

The woman in the video gives what I would call the right answer: “maybe that’s not the guy for you if he doesn’t respect your boundaries.” Then the guy pipes up and says “there are lots of things you can do without having sex including ORAL SEX!”

Wrong. Oral sex is sex! Someone waiting for marriage to have sex should not even be entertaining the idea of putting a man’s penis in her mouth! Even if you’re not waiting until marriage, oral sex should be treated the same way as vaginal sex when it comes to ensuring you have a COMMITMENT of both monogamy and progression within the union BEFORE you engage in the act.

Why don’t they let women give advice to women and men give advice to men? Then we wouldn’t be so confused.

Setting personal boundaries

I’ve been away from the blog for awhile so I apologize for the time it’s taken to post some comments. I’ve enjoyed reading them and thank you for taking the time to write.

I’ve written a little about boundaries and the fact that well into my adulthood I am only now learning how to use them. I actually lived a boundary-less life until now which caused me all kinds of problems. Saying ‘no’ to anyone would create all manner of self-loathing and fear of isolation and abandonment, so I would say ‘yes’ to almost everything and let the resentment grow inside but never release it.

I also lost touch (if I ever had it!) with what I truly wanted or needed which made me a completely inauthentic person with a fake smile and who thought the only thing she had going for her was the way she looked. As long as the outside was perfect I could fool people into thinking I was a person of value. I did not have a sense of self-worth, did not know how to stand up for myself in appropriate ways, did not know how to express anger in healthy ways (only rage and only after I had pushed all my feelings down so much that they finally had to blow).

To help me learn how to set healthy boundaries (excuse the psycho-speak) I’ve been reading a book called “Boundaries”. It explains that learning how to set boundaries begins as a baby and has a lot to do with your parents style of raising you. Well, that makes a lot of sense because I was raised in a way that my opinions or needs and wants were never considered. I did not even contemplate saying ‘no’ or asking for anything. I notice people find that hard to understand. It’s not that I didn’t get what I want it’s that I didn’t even know I could ask for it.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother and a passive father was an awful example of the sickness that occurs when the man of the house relinquishes his power to the woman. I liken the household in which I grew up to Cinderella’s where the mother figure is terrorizing the children and the father stands by and lets it happen.

Children who are not taught to establish boundaries are often victims of sexual abuse and childhood victims of sexual abuse have trouble setting boundaries which sets the stage for even more abuse later on. It’s a sad cycle that I’m happy to know I have a chance of breaking both for myself and for my children. What is your experience with setting boundaries?

Men are dynamic, women magnetic

Dr. Pat Allen says that no woman wants to give, protect and cherish anyone over the age of 10 unless she is given what she needs first. The mistake we and society make is in believing that nurturing is a feminine quality when it is actually masculine. That makes a lot of sense to me in the way I feel when taking care of my two daughters. Caring for my children does feel very masculine because it is a leadership role that requires me to discipline and make decisions and be a role model. Although I adore my time with my girls and am so grateful to be their mom, I feel the need to replenish after a day of looking after them with some quiet feminine time to myself, be it a candlelit bubble bath or meditation.

When I’m allowed to be magnetic and “enchanting”, just being in my feminine energy, it feels “right” whereas trying to make things happen by being assertive and aggressive feels like I’m going against my nature. Which I am. Dr. Allen says women are meant to be magnetic and receptive and men dynamic and giving, that women must be rooted in their own sense of self-worth and men must feel competent and adequate. It’s that cherish vs. respect thing.

That’s why men are drawn to women that seem like they don’t need them and turned off by women who come across as desperate. Because a desperate woman doesn’t know her value. At the same time, giving a man too much can turn him off as he is meant to be the giver. I can attest to this in my last relationship where I made the mistake of thinking I had to reciprocate his giving in a material way. Men give to show their love; they don’t want anything in return except our respect.

What do you think of these ideas?

Relationship Advice from Pat Allen

Over the past year I’ve done a lot of self-searching, especially with regard to my relationships with men. For me relationship equals drama and pain and I finally began to see that I was the common denominator in each of these awful relationships so maybe it had something to do with me. I’ve embraced a philosophy (based on science, by the way) that runs counter to modern culture’s prevailing belief system. I believe women and men are different.

Pat Allen is a researcher and therapist who says there are too many women running around with penises and men with vaginas. She says the women’s rights movement did a great job of getting us equal pay and respect but forgot to tell us that when the work day is over we don’t care about respect–we want to be cherished. Men want respect and in return for being cherished, we give it to them.

I can attest personally to the truth of this theory. I don’t care if a man respects me but I want him to cherish my feelings. I do need a man I can respect and if I don’t respect him that is a gigantic turn-off. Pat Allen also says that men desire women who are happy and that happy women are happy on their own. They don’t need men and that’s the whole point. It’s a great irony but also a fantastic truth that you will not attract the right man until you truly do not need him.

I’m happy that I can finally embrace the truth about my womanhood in spite of all the false messages about “equality” in our society. I’m so glad I can be soft and feminine and not feel as though it’s a weakness or even a crime.